Print this Out: Handy Reference For the Socially Impaired Man

Here you go guys... straight from the girl's mouth. Things to do and not to do when meeting/dating a woman for the first time:

1. Once she's rejected you, move on. Do not call, do not email, do not even wish her good will. Just. Move. On.

2. If she leaves within 1 hour of your first date, she has most likely rejected you. Even if she gave a good excuse, she still probably has rejected you. Think of it this way: girls that are serious about the date will clear their schedules for a decent amount of time to do whatever it is you've planned. So if you're out to dinner, she's cleared at least 2 hours. Movie and dinner is 4 minimum. So if she leaves within the hour, she's either a nitwit who can't manage time, or she's rejecting you. Either way, WAIT FOR HER TO CALL YOU FIRST. Otherwise, see step 1.

3. Girls do not like to be touched by strangers. Handshakes are as far as you should go with a girl you don't know very well. The end of the first date is traditionally the first time to make a move FOR A REASON. It gives you both plenty of time to figure out if you like each other enough to express affection. If she's still with you at the end of the first date AND has mentioned seeing you again, go for the hug/kiss combo. If she's with you and says "I had a nice time, it was good to meet you" she's rejected you. See step 1.

4. Girls like to talk about themselves but also like guys to talk about themselves too. Come prepared with a few stories about your life, or some good questions. Have an emergency plan, such as "What would you do with the money if you won the lottery?" to break icy situations. If you're on a date and a girl doesn't talk, she's a nitwit. Reject her and tell her to see step 1.

5. Girls don't like to eat in front of people who are not eating themselves. If she clearly wants to order something at a coffee shop or snack bar, be a gentlemen and order something too. It won't kill you to eat a cookie.

6. Girls like to be asked out. Sometimes they will ask you, which is great. A lot of the time they won't. If you like her, go for it. If she rejects you, see step 1. It's really that simple.

7. When you're on a date, make the girl the center of your attention. Don't answer calls, check other people out, or get up and move around a lot. Focus on the girl. A little deviation from this might be necessary but keep it down to the crucial. Otherwise, you're treading in dangerous waters.

8. If the girl is nodding a lot and not saying much in response to you, she's bored. Change the subject or ask her opinion. Compliment her to smooth things over. Girls don't like to be bored anymore than you do. If she's boring you back, she's a nitwit and get rid of her.

9. Be a man and call the girl. Once. That's all you need. Any more than that and you're a desperate fool.

10. Lastly, take risks. The worst thing that can happen is rejection. It's better to be rejected by a nitwit than marry a nitwit, remember that. Don't be afraid to be romantic but know when to stop. Stopping is when she's walking away. See step 1.

There you go... guaranteed to improve your dating life by 6%.

On Writing

Most writers have addictions. So many in fact that this is often a stereo-typed trait. A writer never appears without a cigarette in his hand, the smoke curving over his roughened face. A writer never refuses a drink, another drink, and another, until he is passed out or boisterous. A few turn to hard drugs, giving small hints like wires sticking out from a magician’s cloak. They want you to know, but they don’t want to tell you. That is the beauty a writer finds in addiction. How painfully aware are they that you know or you don’t care.

Writers are liars. They crave to deceive, to trick, to mock. They’re not there to expose the truth of human existence but to hide it. They are responsible for the arena in which the escapists dive in whole-heartedly. There are demands to be met. Only those with no imagination seek the truth, which is why the non-fiction section of a library is never used except for children with essays to write. And if such essay were truly examined, deconstructed, and exposed… imagination will be found withering and shielding her eyes from her very presence.

I felt isolated from the world of a writer. I sought no addictions other than the curse, or the gift, of needing the addiction itself. No cigarettes dangled dangerously from my fingertips, no lovers left my bed unwanted. I wrote stories with words that evaporated into the air yet left everyone feeling better. My readers were right around me, inches from me, sucking the lies from me like little human fungi. When I sat down to write something real, or concrete, nothing came. Only empty sentences and flat characters and a theme long since forgotten.

A Vow

I vow to never care about money more than I do about life.

I vow to laugh at myself more than I do at others.

I vow to love unconditionally and disregard anyone who wishes not to love me back.

I vow to my honest in my heart if I cannot be in my mind.

I vow to appreciate the sunset more than a TV show.

I vow not to be mad at myself for liking TV.

I vow to talk more about books than myself.

I vow to listen to the rain.

I vow to be more like my dog... to be happy to have others like me around, never judge, and not care who's watching.

I vow to protect my sanity.

I vow to honor the little sarcrifies people make for me.

I vow to help children.

I vow to record my thoughts only in my head, my ideas only on paper, and my dreams only in my actions.

I vow to live.

My Beluga Whale in a Sea of Dumb Fish

I don't want to sit here and stereotype my own sex, but what the fuck is up with girls being such train wrecks? What makes them so incapable of just accepting a simple fact and not instead turn around and twist it into some emotional complex? People ask me all the time, as a bisexual, if I prefer men or women. Although a true bisexual is attracted to both equally, the truth is I will never give up on guys, where I might eventually give up on girls. It's not because I don't find them sexy or appealing, fun or entertaining, its because THEY CAN'T GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER!

I know guys who can't either, so it's not a girl-only thing, I'm aware. But in my entire almost 24 years of life, there's only 1 girl I've met who doesn't fit this pattern. One lone Einstein in a field of Weinbergs. One Cardinal in a cave of Cubs. One giant pink polka dot on a blanket of black stripes. And that is my best friend, L.

L. is pretty much the exact opposite of a train wreck. This girl has her shit and several other people's shit together. When she tells you she'll do something, it'll take a coma for her not to do it. She might not always be up front with her emotions, but she will NEVER expect you to read her mind regardless. L. is what keeps my faith in women alive. Unfortunately, I probably ruin her faith right back.

Saturday night was a fun night. J. and I went to Opal Devine's which is one of my favorite places to sit and chill. Apparently we sang beatles songs well into the night (not necessarily an effect of alcohol, we do this anyway all the time). I hung out with a couple new people who were the inspiration for this post but that's all I'll say about that.