The Burdens of Being Bipedal

All I Can Do

2008-03-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

You can't change people, but you can change the future.

I promise I will try to understand you. If I can't, I will try to accept you anyway.

I promise I will love you and tell you so.

I promise if you do something differently than me I won't act like it's wrong.

I promise I'll call you, even when you don't answer.

I promise I'll think about you all the time.

I promise I will teach you everything I know and how to learn stuff I don't. I hope this gives you a little preparation for life.

I promise I want you to be who you are, not who you think you should be.

I promise to express my feelings and allow you to express yours and this may be very hard. We can work at it together. We will allow time and space for when we need it. We'll never let ourselves down.

I promise to support you in everything you do. You will always make me proud, even when you feel like you've failed.

I promise I can't protect you from everything, but I will help you learn how to protect yourself and what to do when protection doesn't work.

I promise to be there for you. You will always come first.

When you are grown up and you have your own life, I promise I will still worry about you and try to take care of you. I hope this doesn't piss you off too much.

I promise there is good in every member of our family, and they all love in their own special way. That doesn't mean they are better than you. Most likely they are more lost and scared as adults than you ever were as a child. This doesn't make you better than them.

I promise not to make you eat food you just don't like, but you will not get away with cheese sandwiches every day.

I promise you will die. But before you do, you have a lot of stuff to do here first. No one gets to leave without doing something.

I promise I'm not perfect, but I know I'm the best mommy out there for you. I hope you agree at least sometimes.

2008-02-24T07:49:00.001-08:00

2008-02-23T20:10:00.001-08:00

The Latest Craze

2006-02-27T05:56:00.000-08:00

OK, so recently I've been thinking about this whole myspace thing. I understand that it's a great way to keep in touch with random people you don't really care about, and possibly meet new people that you may grow to not care about, but what scares me the most about it is how time-consuming it is. A very respected and loved friend of mine, someone who until last night I thought had a pretty good head on his shoulders, actually admitted to me that he spent an hour a day on myspace. Not on the internet, not on instant messager, not checking email, but just on myspace. And whats worse, according to my mom who's the boss of a lot of 18-25 year olds, people sometimes spend more than that!! She actually had to FIRE someone because they spent more time on myspace than on their job. Nobody should blame her, of course, because this person's job is handling large amounts of everyman's money. Do you want someone who is in charge of your money goofing off on myspace? Exactly.

So far, I have only met one other person who agrees with me on the horror of myspace. I dread asking L.'s opinion. Honestly, a false hope that L. will agree with me is all that's keeping me away from myspace. Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't do well with any kind of internet/computer addiction (see The Sims, Dynomite, blogging/blog reading, Mugglenet, CL, etc.) If I start using myspace, it won't be long until I'm one of those faceless drones who obsesses over updating their profile and keeping tabs on third grade playmates. Also, in the past few months I have spent a great deal of energy rallying against myspace and well, nobody likes a hypocrite.

But if I find out L.'s been using it... all hope is lost. So if you see me on myspace, blame peer pressure.

I'd like to say I've been busy....

2006-02-18T07:07:00.000-08:00

...but I really haven't been, at least not enough to justify ignoring my blog for almost a month. I thought about it, I even thought about it while in the vicinity of a computer, with time to write, but I just didn't have a subject. When the Oscar nominations came out, I was prepared to make a post but... I'm actually rather satisifed with them this year. New episodes of "Lost" have been on for weeks and I haven't commented on any of them because... well... I actually don't have a lot to say about them. Why my sudden loss of opinion?

Well I've been going through an emotional rollercoaster recently, which hasn't beeen all that bad. I'm starting to realize that even though I thought I was all "grown up" this whole time (meaning, since I finished high school), that I actually haven't been officially thrusted into adulthood- not until this year. It got me thinking about college and what it means. Now that I'm officially out in the adult world, I feel like college almost didn't happen.

College doesn't prepare you for the real world. If it did, then the following things would be true:

1) You'd have constant access to free high speed internet 24 hours a day;
2) There'd be a free newspaper at your fingertips created just for you with everything you found important, also sharing 90% of your personal views;
3) At any given moment, you'd have at least 4 people within 5 feet of you that you could, in theory, strike up a conversation with and it wouldn't be weird;
4) Bibles would always be constantly handed to you;
5) If you wanted drugs or alcohol all you had to do was walk down your hallway and knock on someone's door;
6) If you wanted sex, all you'd have to do is walk down your hallway and knock on someone's door and see if anyone was drunk and flirty;
7) you'd always have something constructive to do: reading, homework, protest, jumping into the river at 3am in the morning with nothing but your undies on;
8) Getting pizza and/or sandwitches would be as easy as snapping your fingers or walking around the corner;
9) Nobody would stare at you if you wore your pajamas for three days straight;
and lastly, 10) Nobody would expect any real work from you, as long as you made sure they knew you were a "student".

Now, some of those things can transfer to the real world, but not in an absolute sense. I went from an environment of almost all people my age, doing exactly what I was doing, always willing to have conversations, to an environment of predominately 4-year-olds, relying on me with their education, future, and safety, always willing to have conversations about their dogs or the time they ate something totally disgusting, like licorice laced with glue. The only stimulation through human contact I get is the 5 seconds I talk to my roommate, aka my ex-boyfriend, which usually ends up in a place hwere we have to separate OR the 5 seconds I talk on the phone to N. or L. when they aren't busy. Through college, my parents were supportive, endearing, and trustworthy, now they either hound me with questions about where I'm going with my life, or unload all of their problems on to me.

Needless to say, I'm having a little trouble adjusting.

I went a little crazy...

2006-01-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

... and dyed my hair red with purple streaks. They're subtle streaks though, and J. didn't notice them right off the bat. So far he's the only one who's seen it. I'm about to leave for work so we'll see how many of the kids pick up on it.

I'm not really looking forward to later tonight. I have to do something that I've been dreading doing, but it's the "right thing to do". I just got myself into a situation I knew I shouldn't have, but I did anyway, and now I need to put an end to it before it gets to hurtful. I'm not one of those people who believes irony runs the world, but it is a little strange how every awesome person I meet, who's totally my type and completely datable, turns out to have one fatal flaw that ruins the whole thing. Maybe I'm the one who's flawed, who knows. In a way it's good though, I'll be given another clean slate to try to make it work again. And I'll have free time again and can call my mother. She's been very patient with me.

Notice how I didn't write a review of this week's Lost. Well... it sucked a little too much for me to care, honestly. And did anyone else know that Michael and Susan were never married? This makes me giddy. I am the president of the I Hate Susan Club.

Australia is My Soulmate

2006-01-25T05:48:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Australia Day. I don't quite understand it but to the best of wikepedia's knowledge, this is a celebration of when the first British ships landed on Australian soil. There are a couple things about this that don't really make sense to me... first off, obviously this is a blatant racist holiday since why they hell would the Aborigines be celebrating the arrival of their oppressors, and second, weren't the original white inhabitants of Australia all British criminals? So either they liked being exhiled from their home in a god-forsaken wasteland (which is was back then, not now) or there's some serious propaganda going on.

I know a few Aussies and honestly they're some of the most laid-back people I've ever met, especially when it comes to their history. They all know it and will patiently recount it for you (since God forbid American education teaches us about anything other than bloody America) but they do so almost robotically, yet good-naturedly. Imagine the voice of the computer on Star Trek attached to the body of Mandy Moore and you'll get the idea of what it's like. They know what's going on but it's really hard to judge if they care or not.

Because of all this I've been debating about whether or not to celebrate Australia Day. One on hand, it'd be really cool to get decked out and try talking in the accent all day, but some people might just be offended. I'll probably end up lookin like a jackass. But I love Australia and always have. Even though I've never been there (sidenote: I've decided that Australia is the #1 Place People Want to Go but Never Actually Do) I imagine it's a lot like here, except with far less bullshit. Ahhh, less bullshit... what a fantastic dream.

Plus they probably have decent health care there and by decent I mean... existing.

One for J.

2006-01-20T18:02:00.000-08:00

They knocked me out
Tied up my ankles and wrists and
thrusted me into the box again.

I escaped once but now I can't remember how

Its just too small to stand up
but too narrow to sit down
and the waves are rolling me up
and down
and I can't throw up what I've already
swallowed.

I escaped once but now I can't remember how

There's tiny crevices between
the wood,
I see you smiling in your lavish crowd
You're watching me and crying
but you're still not letting me out.

Somewhere the horse is laughing,
I'm right under her thumb,
She was right along and you were wrong
You didn't stand your ground.

So this is the price I pay for you
Sleeping here inside my box
You've got the crowbar in your back pocket but
You're still not letting me out.

Its Legal, I Swear

2006-01-17T16:45:00.000-08:00

I'm so freaking excited that Brokeback Mountain won 4 Golden Globes. Finally a break through for the gay community... its times like these that make me reconsider my idea of jumping the American ship and heading eastward...

So finally I got hot. Damn it sure did take me long enough. The other day I was thinking of Blake Cunningham, this boy I asked out in 7th grade who was the BIGGEST ass to me. It reminds me of this movie with Stockard Channing where everyone's really mean to her cause she's ugly and then she gets into a horrible accident and gets her face restructured and she's hot. Then she goes around killing all the jerks. Well, I wouldn't kill anyone, but it would be nice to shove it in their faces. I am the goddess of revenge, after all.

Instead I take a different approach. Now I'm hot and all these stupid boys want me... boys buying me drinks and trying to dance with me... and I don't reject them. Oh no. Instead, I run off with the smart geeky boy and they are just left confused and bewildered. I wish more girls would do this but sadly... no luck.

Tonight A. and I are going to check out open mic night at the R.T. If its good then I'll play next week. It'll be so awesome to play again in front of an audience. I miss it. I was thinking of celebrating the occasion with a cover becuase I never do covers, but it's so hard to choose a good one. So I'll probably play all original stuff. I'll probably do Fictional and Dragonfly if they let me do 2, and Sleeveless Heart if they let me do 3. I wonder what N. will think of Sleeveless Heart. Hmmm anyway.

Chocolate mint cookies are fucking awesome. Everyone should eat them.

Another 24

2006-01-16T08:07:00.000-08:00

L. turned 24 this weekend. We went shopping together and I ate half my meals with her. L. is one of those people where her changes are blatant... though not overbearing. It's been ten years since we've become friends and its by far the longest relationship I've ever had. Because of this, I've started to notice myself judging my relations with other people based on the one with L.

To anyone who reads this and knows me and sometimes gets frustrated with me or just doesn't quite get why I do the things I do... it barely has anything to do with you. Maybe it does || much. But really every way in which I react is based on what I think will happen next... and usually I am wrong. I'm afraid of social situations because I hate embarassment, I hate admitting that I didn't know what was going on. I hate feeling stupid. I love everyone, and thats why I lie. The truth is, I want to shelter you all from the harsh reality. You're all adults and can do things yourself, but I treat you like children because I wish you'd stay that way. I want to hold you in my arms and rock you back and forth and keep all the badness out. I want to put myself on the line for you so I know my life is not in vain. I don't want to be driving my Honda around town buying CDs and eating french fries. I want to spend my life doing what I love, and what I love is sacrificing myself. I wonder if anyone really believes that.

Guitar, meanwhile, is coming along great. I'd practice now but I don't want to wake up J. I was up way to late last night and of course my mother calls me the one morning that I don't naturally wake up early. Oh well.

Brokeback Mountain

2006-01-01T21:32:00.000-08:00

This movie is awesome.. God see it now.

Print this Out: Handy Reference For the Socially Impaired Man

2005-12-30T10:15:00.000-08:00

Here you go guys... straight from the girl's mouth. Things to do and not to do when meeting/dating a woman for the first time:

1. Once she's rejected you, move on. Do not call, do not email, do not even wish her good will. Just. Move. On.

2. If she leaves within 1 hour of your first date, she has most likely rejected you. Even if she gave a good excuse, she still probably has rejected you. Think of it this way: girls that are serious about the date will clear their schedules for a decent amount of time to do whatever it is you've planned. So if you're out to dinner, she's cleared at least 2 hours. Movie and dinner is 4 minimum. So if she leaves within the hour, she's either a nitwit who can't manage time, or she's rejecting you. Either way, WAIT FOR HER TO CALL YOU FIRST. Otherwise, see step 1.

3. Girls do not like to be touched by strangers. Handshakes are as far as you should go with a girl you don't know very well. The end of the first date is traditionally the first time to make a move FOR A REASON. It gives you both plenty of time to figure out if you like each other enough to express affection. If she's still with you at the end of the first date AND has mentioned seeing you again, go for the hug/kiss combo. If she's with you and says "I had a nice time, it was good to meet you" she's rejected you. See step 1.

4. Girls like to talk about themselves but also like guys to talk about themselves too. Come prepared with a few stories about your life, or some good questions. Have an emergency plan, such as "What would you do with the money if you won the lottery?" to break icy situations. If you're on a date and a girl doesn't talk, she's a nitwit. Reject her and tell her to see step 1.

5. Girls don't like to eat in front of people who are not eating themselves. If she clearly wants to order something at a coffee shop or snack bar, be a gentlemen and order something too. It won't kill you to eat a cookie.

6. Girls like to be asked out. Sometimes they will ask you, which is great. A lot of the time they won't. If you like her, go for it. If she rejects you, see step 1. It's really that simple.

7. When you're on a date, make the girl the center of your attention. Don't answer calls, check other people out, or get up and move around a lot. Focus on the girl. A little deviation from this might be necessary but keep it down to the crucial. Otherwise, you're treading in dangerous waters.

8. If the girl is nodding a lot and not saying much in response to you, she's bored. Change the subject or ask her opinion. Compliment her to smooth things over. Girls don't like to be bored anymore than you do. If she's boring you back, she's a nitwit and get rid of her.

9. Be a man and call the girl. Once. That's all you need. Any more than that and you're a desperate fool.

10. Lastly, take risks. The worst thing that can happen is rejection. It's better to be rejected by a nitwit than marry a nitwit, remember that. Don't be afraid to be romantic but know when to stop. Stopping is when she's walking away. See step 1.

There you go... guaranteed to improve your dating life by 6%.

On Writing

2005-12-14T09:46:00.000-08:00

Most writers have addictions. So many in fact that this is often a stereo-typed trait. A writer never appears without a cigarette in his hand, the smoke curving over his roughened face. A writer never refuses a drink, another drink, and another, until he is passed out or boisterous. A few turn to hard drugs, giving small hints like wires sticking out from a magician’s cloak. They want you to know, but they don’t want to tell you. That is the beauty a writer finds in addiction. How painfully aware are they that you know or you don’t care.

Writers are liars. They crave to deceive, to trick, to mock. They’re not there to expose the truth of human existence but to hide it. They are responsible for the arena in which the escapists dive in whole-heartedly. There are demands to be met. Only those with no imagination seek the truth, which is why the non-fiction section of a library is never used except for children with essays to write. And if such essay were truly examined, deconstructed, and exposed… imagination will be found withering and shielding her eyes from her very presence.

I felt isolated from the world of a writer. I sought no addictions other than the curse, or the gift, of needing the addiction itself. No cigarettes dangled dangerously from my fingertips, no lovers left my bed unwanted. I wrote stories with words that evaporated into the air yet left everyone feeling better. My readers were right around me, inches from me, sucking the lies from me like little human fungi. When I sat down to write something real, or concrete, nothing came. Only empty sentences and flat characters and a theme long since forgotten.

A Vow

2005-12-10T18:26:00.000-08:00

I vow to never care about money more than I do about life.

I vow to laugh at myself more than I do at others.

I vow to love unconditionally and disregard anyone who wishes not to love me back.

I vow to my honest in my heart if I cannot be in my mind.

I vow to appreciate the sunset more than a TV show.

I vow not to be mad at myself for liking TV.

I vow to talk more about books than myself.

I vow to listen to the rain.

I vow to be more like my dog... to be happy to have others like me around, never judge, and not care who's watching.

I vow to protect my sanity.

I vow to honor the little sarcrifies people make for me.

I vow to help children.

I vow to record my thoughts only in my head, my ideas only on paper, and my dreams only in my actions.

I vow to live.

My Beluga Whale in a Sea of Dumb Fish

2005-12-05T05:35:00.000-08:00

I don't want to sit here and stereotype my own sex, but what the fuck is up with girls being such train wrecks? What makes them so incapable of just accepting a simple fact and not instead turn around and twist it into some emotional complex? People ask me all the time, as a bisexual, if I prefer men or women. Although a true bisexual is attracted to both equally, the truth is I will never give up on guys, where I might eventually give up on girls. It's not because I don't find them sexy or appealing, fun or entertaining, its because THEY CAN'T GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER!

I know guys who can't either, so it's not a girl-only thing, I'm aware. But in my entire almost 24 years of life, there's only 1 girl I've met who doesn't fit this pattern. One lone Einstein in a field of Weinbergs. One Cardinal in a cave of Cubs. One giant pink polka dot on a blanket of black stripes. And that is my best friend, L.

L. is pretty much the exact opposite of a train wreck. This girl has her shit and several other people's shit together. When she tells you she'll do something, it'll take a coma for her not to do it. She might not always be up front with her emotions, but she will NEVER expect you to read her mind regardless. L. is what keeps my faith in women alive. Unfortunately, I probably ruin her faith right back.

Saturday night was a fun night. J. and I went to Opal Devine's which is one of my favorite places to sit and chill. Apparently we sang beatles songs well into the night (not necessarily an effect of alcohol, we do this anyway all the time). I hung out with a couple new people who were the inspiration for this post but that's all I'll say about that.

The Smoking Ban

2005-11-29T05:56:00.000-08:00

Recently, my city voted and passed a ban on smoking in all public places, including clubs and bars, bowling alleys, etc, along with all the already banned places. It comes down to smoking is now pretty much illegal in any public place, unless the business proves they have all these special accomdodations (which ends up being like 6 in the whole city). Since the smoking ban, I've been down to our downtown district once, and although I thoroughly enjoyed the lack of second-hand smoke, I have noticed a slight problem with the city's choice.

The thing is, smokers are bastards. Not universally by any means, but if any one group of people are going to try to stick it to another group of people in a lazy, half-assed way, it's smokers. They are so pissed about this ban that they're starting to leave their cigarette butts all over the city streets and sidewalks. The local news station called the downtown district a "giant ashtray" and when they showed the pictures, I agreed. Some well-meaning people are suggesting putting up cigarette trash cans on the streets, especially in common places for smokers to hang out, but let's get serious. Even with a hundred of these things, the people still have to use them. And smokers just plain won't.

The only way to solve this problem is to strongly enforce the anti-liter law. Cops should be giving out tickets to smokers who are seen throwing their butts on the ground, and the only punishment these people should recieve is community service. Put those smokers out there cleaning up their own mess, and I'm sure the problem will not be far from over.

A Non-Sappy Thanksgiving Quel

2005-11-25T16:55:00.000-08:00

So, my first year of hosting Thanksgiving is over, and it was a success, if I do say so myself. We managed to cram ourselves into my tiny living room with 2 1/2 tables full of food for 5 people. Leftovers galore. Mom and I got into a fight about Christmas presents that wasn't really a fight, but a classic example of what a drama queen she really is. But other than that, I had a spectacularly pleasant evening with the fam.

Sometimes, I really hate being a woman. I know men have their cripes too, but women cripes have got to be harder on the body anyway. Speaking in purely traditional terms, men typically have the weight on their metaphorical shoulders, while women have the weight on their literal shoulders. We go through periods, pregnancy and childbirth, yeast infections (which trust me, is no can of potatoes), the saga of bra shopping and sizing and frustration, constant sexual attention both desired and undesired, being the pinnacle of artistic design (major pressure), make-up and hair style issues, catty gossip and pressure and fights, deemed useless once over 40, and last but certainly not least, metapause.

What do men have? Wet dreams and pre-mature ejaculation (embarassing but not life-destroying nor painful), possible erectic dysfunction (which can usually be directly connected with depression or drug use, both of which are easily treated, and a variety of drugs are available and usually covered by insurance, unlike birth control), the burden of always having to carry heavy shit (my heart bleeds for you), expectancy to provide for the family (should have used condoms before your spread your seed, dumbass), and peer pressure from other men (the only legitimate one, IMHO).

The homosexual man is the one who's got griping rights in my book. Not only is he automatically pinned a child molester and corrupter, flaming liberal (no pun intended), wuss, and a slut, but he also cannot say anything or do anything to defect these accusations. The homosexual man, despite many outbursts, is a silenced creature. He has to follow varying levels of openness (ok, around Aunt Sally I can say I'm gay, but I can't talk about sex... Bob knows I'm gay but doesn't want to be reminded.... Sue is cool with everything... Larry doesn't know at all, not sure if I should tell him.... what about Mom and Dad?). As our society becomes more open towards the idea of sexuality, so does our society become more closed. Those that penalize the most from this effect are the homosexuals.

I don't know where this post is going so I'll end it now. Just some post-Thanksgiving food for thought.

Sappy but... a Thanksgiving Pre-Quel

2005-11-24T07:59:00.000-08:00

So today is the day we celebrate what we're grateful for, and try to ignore the huge amount of debt we owe the American Indians. Although I agree that, if the tables were turned, the Indians would have killed us just as fast as we killed them, that doesn't excuse or condone our behavior. I say "our" literally and figuratively. There isn't a soul alive today directly affected by the actions of those in America's early history, but we are indirectly affected, and indirectly responsible. After all, look at current events: what's different between what our forefathers did to the Indians, and what our brothers are doing in Iraq? How will history play this one out? Who will be in debt to whom?

Needless to say, I try to focus on the "grateful" part of Thanksgiving, and try to steer children that way too. Today is the first Thanksgiving I am hosting for my family and only 5 people are showing up. But smaller crowds are always better, especially if we get a good discussion going or a good card game. Just to be mushy and sweet, here is an extremely incomplete list of what I am grateful for this year:

My family & friends, not only their presence and impact on my life but also their health and well-being

My college education and (semi) broad view of the world

My freedom as a woman to earn that education, as well as a living for myself, and to express my concerns

For all those who came before me to pave the way for the path I wish to travel

My own personal health, safety, and well-being

For delicious food, good entertainment, peace and quiet, love and laughter

Sadie, Olly, Lola, Lucy, Asher, Bean, and Vesper (all my pets) and Zach, Smokey, and Mindy

And in case I forgot anything else... everything that's true and justified and good in this world.

Happy Thanksgiving, ya'll.

Finally... My Jarhead Review

2005-11-21T05:33:00.000-08:00

I saw Jarhead over a week ago, way before Goblet of Fire, but just now got around to digesting it. This is Sam Mendes's third movie, after the 2 supreb films American Beauty and Road to Perdition (which got ignored by all major critics and awards, but whatever, Tom Hanks needs no validation). At first I wasn't keen on seeing it, even with Jake Gyllenhaal and Sean Bean, but then I read a review that described it as a "war movie without a war" and also claimed "guns were present, but not used". My friend N. wanted to see it so I said hell, why not, and went with him.

This may seem like a side note but it's not. When you study story structure, the metaphor and theme are two things that they pretty much bash your head in with. Metaphors and themes come in all shapes and sizes, some are simple, some are complex, some are just bad. Due to the volumes of writings that have come around in the history of the human race, there are several metaphors and themes that, since been done over and over, are called "easy themes" or "cop-outs" or "obvious metaphors", you get the idea. One of them, made extremely popular by the horrid book A Separate Peace, is the "outside war representing the war inside the soul" metaphor. This is basically a character who is conflicted with herself and this confliction is illustrated by another conflict going on between multiple people, which may or may not involve the character herself. In A Separate Peace, the wars were, as the title says, separate. The protagonist was safely tucked away in his shiny private school while WWII raved on overseas. But in Jarhead, the protagonist, in this case the luscious Jakey, is very much involved with both the inner and outer wars. The only problem is, the war inside him is the one that's killing him, and the outside war brings him no release.

That is the genius of Jarhead, and what took me over a week to figure out. This isn't a movie about the Gulf War or about the marines and how they brainwash you (tho there is AMPLE evidence of that). This is a movie about the war of a soul, the war of a young man with no purpose, who seeks one out in the most obvious place, only to not find it. Where do young men go, after high school, if they have no college options? The military prides itself on two things: killing people and offering options for the wayward. Jarhead is the startling realization that sometimes the military offers neither, and instead leaves its charge at best, a withered soul inside a hollow shell.

Due to its release date, Jarhead will probably not make it into any major award ceromonies, and neither will Jake, though the young actor is certainly gaining momentum and proving his worth. I am very excited about his next film, Brokeback Mountain, which explores homosexuality. I hope the filmmakers had the guts to say what needs to be said, though.

P.S. This blog does not endorse the novel A Separate Peace, and warns the reader to proceed with caution if they choose to read this nasty piece of junk.

Harry Potter and the Girl with Static Electricity Hair

2005-11-20T18:33:00.000-08:00

I saw Goblet of Fire. It. Was. Awesome. I was a little disappointed at Emma Watson's acting but I think the screenwriter is at fault for that, given that the fight between her and Ron seemed more improvised than taken straight from the book. Like with Prisoner, there was a glaring plot topic they failed to explain, this time around being the power of the veelas. Oh well, people need to read the books anyway. I don't know if I like it more than the Prisoner movie, but both of them are lightyears ahead of the first two movies, which I won't even mention here. :)

So now there is a New Saga in my life, which may or may not turn out to be a saga after all. I have a hard time predicting these things sometimes. There's this incredibly attractive woman who works at my gym, and actually signed me up for my membership about 2 months ago. After our initial interaction, we've only said hi to each other. Well, last night after GoF N. and L. and I went to Austin Java for some cake, and there she was studying! I had already briefed N. on the sitch but L. was in the dark, and it was so hard to explain everything to her right in front of the girl. I'm always paranoid people have super hearing. I mean you just never know when Clark Kent's around, you know?

Well anyway I managed to somewhat brief L. and then the girl came up to me and said hi, then proceeded to have a whole conversation with me about school! I know it's kinda a lame topic but the keys are:

a) she started it
b) she made eye contact the whole time (v. important)
and c) she smiled throughout the convo

N. thought she was cute and thought things went well, L. wasn't as supportive but she doesn't get the whole girl-on-girl thing anyway. I think she was surprised I had a girl crush even though she knows i'm bisexual. Now everyone in the f*ing world knows about it which kinda pissed me off, I only wanted N. to know about it. Oh well. I didn't see her today at the gym but I'm keeping my eyes peeled and the second I see her I'll chit chat some more. She's so cute. And buff, jesus is she buff.

Harry Potter and the Bowl of Cereal

2005-11-18T05:33:00.000-08:00

I am so excited that the day has finally come!! Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (or Goblins of Fire, if you're four years old) is being released today, and my girl L. and I are going to see it tomorrow! I know I know, I'd been saying for months that I want to see it opening night, but our schedules are just to swamped this merry Friday. Here are some things I'm looking forward to seeing:

-Malfoy as a ferret... who isn't?
-Ron and Hermione's angst towards each other
-Harry flying around the dragon
-Ralph Fiennes as Lord Voldemort

There's going to be loads of cool stuff in this film but those are my top 4. And while we're ranking things, here is the order of the HP books by my favorite to least-favorite:

1. Prisoner of Azkaban
2. Order of the Phoenix
3. Goblet of Fire
4. Half-Blood Prince
5. Philosopher's Stone
6. Chamber of Secrets

I will be giving a detailed account of my feelings for the film as soon as I see it. Woohoo!

On a completely different note, I didn't write a review of Lost this week due to the overwelming emotions flowing around the episode. I was involved in a semi-heated debate about the "badness" of Ana-Lucia on the Lost_TV board, which ended in frustration for both parties because they wouldn't admit I was right, and I wouldn't back down. That's why I'm the stubborn cow, and my sister is the selfish cow.

Everyone is a Pooh Character

2005-11-11T17:40:00.000-08:00

I have a new theory on life. I think everyone's personality can be directly correlated with one of the wacky characters from Winnie the Pooh. Granted, I am not a huge Pooh fan, and only know the characters loosely. But this in amongst itself is a metaphor of life, I believe. So here are my nearest and dearest and who I think they are in the Pooh universe:

J.- totally Tigger. He's happy, fun, spontaneous, likes to jump up and down, and is easily excited. He may have boughts of depression, but I think Tigger does too, but only off-camera.

L.- Rabbit. Rational, intelligent, needs a little pick-me-up to get truly excited, I think L. makes the perfect Rabbit. She's often the voice of reason but not of the wise.

N.- A classic Eyore. N. always believes that no matter what he does, he will fuck things up, or things will just suck anyway. Even when he's happy it can't last too long, it always ends. The only good thing about it is that since he always is pessimistic, he's unafraid to try anyway.

M.- Here is our Pooh. M. just wants things to work out nicely and for life to flow in an easy-going way. She's willing to work hard for what she wants, just like Pooh will go to great lengths to get honey, but when she's content she stays that way. She sees the world as it is and likes people for who they are. She's rarely judgemental.

Me- I am Piglet. I get worried and anxious about everything, but still do it. I am easily excitable and have an adventerous yet nervous nature. I like to try new things but on my tippy toes. I'm cute and can use it to my advantage. Sometimes people are a little over-protective of me for reasons I just ignore.

think about the people in your life, and you can match them up easily too. There's a similiar theory about Seinfeld but it really only goes so far.

Abandoned

2005-11-10T12:44:00.000-08:00

So I watched the self-predicted "most talked about episode of the season" of Lost last night. First I must say, I will probably not be talking about this episode for the rest of the season, at least, not any more than any other episode that reveals a few key facts. If you haven't seen the episode please stop reading my post RIGHT NOW.

Seriously.

Stop.

OK, I warned you...

I don't believe Shannon died. Here are my reasons:

1) the promo said someone would be "lost forever", not "dead forever"; therefor they could be referring to tail-end survivor Cindy;

2) They didn't show the obligatory dramatic last line and limp head scene, and they also did not have a doctor (aka Jack) pronounce her dead, and they also did not bury her, and they did not show maggots eating out her eyeballs (sorry for that);

3) She had a wound to the stomach, which is often fatal, but not necessarily as fatal as a head or heart wound, plus there could just be more blood than actual wound;

4) Jack is like 5 seconds away;

And lastly,

5) Why would they kill off both Shannon and Boone? I mean, what was the point of them being on the show only to die? I know the producers claim that no character is safe, but come on. Thatj ust makes for poor storytelling. If they had killed someone else important between them, or waited 1-2 seasons before killing Shannon, that ould be ok. But not within a week of each other, practically.

So, I don't think she's dead, and I also think the next episode purposely avoiding the topic is another good clue that she's not. Although I am mildly interested in in the tail-end survivors, I'm mostly interested in the Charlie/Claire/Locke triangle. Charlie's character is doign MUCH better this season, a lot more angst and temperment and less "haha i'm fun and fancy free!". Claire is keeping up her defensiveness well and they're slowly building up the tension between them, which I think is perfect. Letting it simmer for about 5 more episodes and then come to boil would be a great arc. And Locke's whole part in it.... well, that'll only make things better.

I also think Walt is physically on the island. I think the Others messed up his powers so now he can only talk backwards, but he doesn't realize he's doing it. He could still be projecting as well but I think his physical form was what Shannon and Sayid saw before Shannon got shot.

There's been talk on the internet about our clinical psychologist friend Libby being a Others plant. Although there's evidence to support this, I'm not totally sold. Though when she looked at Sawyer's wound she certainly had an interesting look on her face... I hope Hurley has the good sense to check the plane's manifest when all the tailies show up. Oh god, please let Hurley have the good sense...

Goddamn Redneck Stupid Chicken Nugget Heads

2005-11-09T16:32:00.000-08:00

This is for all you republicans out there. I'm not here to bash you, I know that not only solves nothing but also causes you to turn a deaf ear. I want you to know I am not a bleeding heart liberal. Here are my political creds:

To me, education and the environment should be our 2 top concerns. They directly affect the current and the future, they impact us on an individual and whole basis, they show how we operate as a country in general, and they are the easiest way to solve other problems. For example, there's the whole abortion debate. But the real issue is not whether or not we should have abortions, because we will ALWAYS have them, legal or not, medically sound or not. The real issue is SEX EDUCATION. Do we allow horny teenagers to learn to love and respect their bodies or do we not? Do we explain how to keep yourself from getting pregnant or do we not? That is the question, not abortion. But nobody listens to me.

I am liberal in the sense I believe marijuana should be legal, but I'm conservative about the death penalty. I say you rape and murder someone, you're ass is belongs to the state, especially with the accuracy of DNA evidence. I support the 2nd amendment but believe anyone who chooses to own a gun should willingly provide ample evidence that they are not a psycho. I am against war for no reason, but understand that sometimes it is necessary. I do not support a draft under any conditions, and I believe children should have computers in their classroom and the military should hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber. And lastly, I support gay marriage.

This should make me a conservative. Yes, a conservative. Because you know what conservative means? It means someone who wants the government to LEAVE THEM THE HELL ALONE. A true republican wants their liberties and their freedoms and their fucking cake too. They want to horde their money and support commerce and fuck cows in the privacy of their bedrooms. They want to pay as few taxes as possible and pick their jobs, their cars, their homes, their way of life. They want the priveledge to smoke and the priveledge of telling smokers to go to hell. They want free speech for t-shirts and newspapers. They want Tom Brokaw to tell them how it is. They want ot watch Will and Grace and laugh. They want to show up at the polls, once every 4 years, because thats the only time they believe it counts. They want to worship God, or not worship God, commit sins, or not commit sins, and being American should have nothing to do with it. They want their Big Mac and their SUVs and their pornography and their bicycles. They want to live in the LAND OF THE FREE AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE. THATs what a conservative is.

All you fuckers out there who just banned gay marriage, welcome to sweet ole democrat-hood. Might as well go purchase yourselves some Birckenstocks and get used to the idea. God is laughing at you. As are gay people, cause guess what... marriage might be illegal but sodomy is not. Haha bitches!

Double Life

2005-11-06T19:59:00.000-08:00

I have always wanted to live a double life. You know, just to see if I could pull it off, and what it's like. Sometimes I try to start up one. I figure the easiest way to do this is to keep my current life as one of my two lives, and just create a new life on the side, and make sure the lives don't know each other. So here are my plans:

-My double-life name would be something very sexy and mysterious, yet likeable and open. I'm thinking Iniko or Firefly.

-I'd have to have another job, so I'd work as an adult entertainer. I'd wear lots of make-up and crazy bright blue wigs. I'd dance around in lacy underwear and put tassels on my nipples. Nobody would recognize me.

-I'd be a pure lesbian in my second life, and actually feel confident in approaching butch girls. I'd do sly stuff like slip cigarettes down their pants. Oh yeah, I'd definitely smoke in my double life.

-My favorite movie would be "The Hurricane" and I'll be a HUGE Bob Dylan fan.

-I'd still be a vegetarian because not even double lives can compromise morals. It's not like I'd suddenly be okay with killing animals, you know.

-I'd live in a spacious studio apartment with my cat, Freckles. I'll tell people he just hopped through the window one day and started eating my fresh fruit and I've never been able to get rid of him.

-Lastly, I'll tell everyone I meet that I've had an abortion and once crashed a motorcycle on the highway without a helmet. Everyone will be so impressed.

Yeah, so that's my double life for you. Or maybe it just blends in with my current life. Maybe I already have one and you just don't know it! Or maybe this is it. I could be anyone and nobody would know. That's awesome.

Cock Shots

2005-10-25T05:41:00.000-07:00

What's the deal with cock shots, seriously? Why do men do this? Whenever I get a picture of someone's penis in my email, it is NEVER accompanied by interesting dialogue or a face picture or anything FUCKING USEFUL. Do you realize what a cock shot says about you? It says exactly this: "I MALE. MY COCK BIG. IT LOVE YOU ALL NIGHT. FIFFY CENT." That's it!!!

Also, I know a lot of men are not gay, but come on. Am I to believe you've never seen another cock in your entire life? Are you really so self-centered and naive that you think your cock makes you UNIQUE? That only you, out of the scores of other slobbery sex-crazed men, only YOU can provide the service a cock offers? Am I to open my email, see your cock, and go "HOLY SHIT, this guy's a keeper! HE CAN FUCK MY VAGINA WITH THAT THING!"

A cock shot does not, despite popular opinion, give any clues whatsoever to the kind of lover you are. It's not like your sending a little application video, or a diagram, or previous lover's tesimonials. No, you are simply showing me a very average part of your body in hopes I'm such a nympho that your lack of imagination is irrelevant. Either that, or you're hoping I'm stranded in a place devoid of cocks and you are my shining savior. So allow me to illuminate the situation... COCKS ARE ALL AROUND US. I could go outside and throw a rock and hit a cock. If all I want is a cock, I'd simply go into a moderately-sized crowd and shout, "MY VAGINA IS READY FOR SOME HOT COCK!" And it would be filled within seconds. I do not, under any circumstances, need your cock shot.

In fact, cock shots only hurt your situation, not make it better. Women love to see cocks only when involved with foreplay/sex. We don't wish to see scuzzy men outside in their bathrobes with their thingies hanging out. We don't find it sexy when men boast about how big their cocks are. And we definitely don't want to see some stranger's cock in a voidfilled email. When women see cocks in an out-of-sexual-context situation, it makes is cringe. It makes us gasp. It makes us go, "eww, boy parts!" It makes us call the police and press charges. It might even make us reach for the closest knife. But it will NOT make us wet, TRUST ME.

Now, guys are a different story. Men love vaginas. They don't seem to realize that all vaginas were created equal. Every woman has one. They could go outside and throw a rock and hit a vagina. In fact, even after seeing vagina after vagina, men still want to see more. I could send several men pictures of my vagina and nothing else and it would arouse them. Hell, I could probably use a picture of my vagina to snag a husband. They might be fascinated with them because they don't have them, and maybe this is true. But if it is, why are women not interested in cocks?

It has nothing to do with sex. Women like sex just as much as men do, we're just not allowed to broadcast it. The Sluttiest Slut of Slutopolis isn't all that interested in cocks either. So why do men think we love them? I just don't get it.

Guys ,if you're reading this, please don't ever send someone a picture of your cock unless they ask for it. And if you really, really still want to... do us all a favor and add your BRAIN to the mix. Sheesh.

what a week

2005-10-17T16:19:00.000-07:00

I've had the craziest week of my life in terms of my relationships with the people around me. Its really weird how one week can change everything, especially things that have been in place for over 10 years. After the camping trip, which I thought was mega fun, L. stopped talking to me.
I won't go into the boring details here but basically it's one of those things that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you understand, you just can't ever come to a conclusion. It's one of those "just got to get over it and go on" type of things. It wouldn't have been so bad except things between me and my other best friend got mega weird too. He wasn't mad at me... quite the opposite... but I wasn't expecting it, that's for sure. Things are cool now... I think.

I also took the Goddamn Ridiculous Exam, otherwise known as the GRE. I bombed it, but it might not be the end of the world. Luckily these days colleges are wising up to the stupidity of standardized tests (if only elementary schools would too, le sigh) so they don't count quite so much for or against you, but still. I paid $110 for them to give me a score I could have given myself, since I already knew my skill level. Oh well, I guess this is the first step to letting "the man" shit on me. Yay growing up.

On a bright side (yes there is one) Fiona Apple's new album fucking kicks ass. I think my favorite songs are "Tymps", "Parting Gift", and "Waltz". "I Know" is still my favorite Fiona Apple song though, but then again, it's one of my top 30 songs (see list somewhere below), and my favorite love song (tied with "Be Mine" by David Gray). I know I had to wait 6 years for this album and for some people that might just be too long, but it was way worth it. And I'm a little older now so I can appreciate it better. Me at 17 would just drown in the drama of it all...
Fiona at 17 probably would too.

The Cardinals better win, they just gotta.

Terrible Person

2005-10-10T05:37:00.000-07:00

"A Compulsive Empathic"

In the soft dew morning I feel stretched
I can't touch my nose
For fear it will fall off
and everything below my waist is dead
I can't see clearly
But I'm off anyway.

In the pale midnight I feel unfetched
Deep in the blue of the fire we built
I hear your voice in the woods
laughter is fake against the cold moon
How can I make it better
when nothing is told to me
I don't know what to say but
I lie anyway.

In the fallen leaf canopy I feel dispatched
Red gold and green,
Follow my path.
I don't know why I do the things I do
but I know why I don't do
What I don't-
Some things are just Wrong in this world,
while others are only wrong to you.

In the basking sunlight I feel dispersed
My energy flowing everywhere
Filling you all up
In your blandest hour you can refresh yourself
I will always be here
Even when you are not.
I wish nothing more for this hike to end,
Hand in hand with my lover, my girl, my friend.

In the pitch black darkness I feel upset
How did I get here?
When do I get out?
All my past follies catch up with me here
We dual it out but my sword
is wood, and my heart is not in it anyway.
Maybe this is where I belong,
Stuck between an armadillo and a long river bend.

When you Root for the Bunnies

2005-10-03T05:34:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'm complete in my life without several different stories floating in my head. Some of these are original stories I'd like to eventually write down, but others are stories from outside sources. With the new season of "Lost" starting up, of course I am always thinking about new theories. But there's another story I'm focused on right now, as well.

I don't know why, but as a child/young adult I never got around to reading "Watership Down". I knew it existed, of course, and I think I tried reading it once, but stopped for some reason. Anyway, last week at Half-priced Books, I saw it out of place and felt drawn to it. So, instead of buying a monkey calendar (yeah, I know) I bought it instead. And I definitely made the right decision.

I just finished part one yesterday, and so far this book has been filled with intrigue, courage, disaster, near-misses, friendship, action, suspense, mystery, and so much more. I love the way Adams sticks to the pure nature of rabbits, adding personification only when absolutely necessary. Really, other than the rabbits speaking, most of what they do is totally natural and can be observed in the wild, or is within the feasible realm of what they're capable of. Hazel makes an astonding lead character, but my personal favorite is the steadfast and humble Fiver.

My roommate pointed out to me yesterday that Sawyer is reading "Watership Down" on the island during the first season of "Lost". I swear, this is a coincidence. :)

Adrift

2005-09-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

OK, so maybe my theory about Walt being a prophet of the devil is a little off-base. But I haven't given up on it, it's still in the back of my brain.

I really liked today's episode, but what I'd like to see in the future regarding Michael's character is some depth outside of his relationship to Walt. I think him and Sawyer will end up being really good friends and he'll help Sawyer come to terms with some of his own childhood demons. Man, it was awesome the way he shot the hell out of that shark.

Locke's prophet-like qualities were really strong in this episode. Notice how quickly he bonded with Desmond and was making some serious progress until Jack showed up. Did it bother anyone else that Kate took candy bars from the supply closet and didn't eat anything else? Well, I guess she was just focused.

Michael gave Walt a polar bear stuffed animal as a parting gift when he was three... anyone else think that was not a coincidence? Man Michael's wife was such a bitch.

I had little problems ith this episode and anxiously await next week.

Wow!

2005-09-28T15:53:00.000-07:00

They finally found it

Fiona Apple!!!

2005-09-26T05:45:00.000-07:00

Fiona Apple is finally releasing her third album! I have waited so long for this its not even funny. I was actually about to give up on her, really. She better tour this time!! She's the only artist I really love that is still alive yet I've never seen perform live. I really wish she was in my Summer of Concerts but... stuff like that only happens in John Hughes movies.

So the album is called Extrodinary Machine, it comes out next week, the first single is playing on Fiona's website, the obvious www.fionaapple.com. She's also on the cover of Entertainment Weekly this week and Rolling Stone has some dish about her too. Why they teamed her up with Sheryl Crow is a mystery, I mean their music is completely different. Just goes to show you that the music industry is still heavily sexist... "oh two women artists, they must have lots in common!" Buttholes.

I will of course buy it the day it comes out!

On a completely different note, my dog and my chinchillas have become best friends. I think Bean is still a little weary of Sadie, but Asher loves to tease her through the cage. Last night was the first time I saw Olly, my cat, try to stick his paws through the cage holes. They aren't big enough and the chinchillas know this. Asher likes to tease him too by jumping up into the corner and wiggling around right in front of him. Bean just mainly sits around fearful for his life.

I'm partially through the amazing book Watership Down, which by some act of randomness I never read as a child. I started it once in high school but for some reason I think I got the wrong book, because the one I read back then is totally different than the one I'm reading now. Or maybe I'm totally different. Who knows. Anyway, Watership Down is a lot like a juvenile novel I'm kinda-sorta writing about chimpanzees, so this should give me some good inspiration.

Little over 50 days until Goblet of Fire!! Man the goods of 2005 just keep rolling....

Man of Science, Man of Faith

2005-09-22T05:20:00.000-07:00

Man, the first episode of the new season of "Lost" did not reveal answers, but more questions! I guess I should have expected as much. So, the raftees are left to our imagination while the episode focuses on the night on the island, and some flashbacks of when Jack met his wife, Sara.

SPOILERS YO!!!

SERIOUSLY!!

First off I must say, MATTHEW FOX IS HOT! I always thought he was somewhat attractive, but he does this weird thing with his mouth, and everyone knows at me and mouths. But when they flashbacked to his 1990's hair style, holy hell! I almost creamed my pants right there, seriously. Sawyer, you've got some competition now!

Sun grew out her hair a little over the summer even tho it was only supposed to be a couple hours max. I liked the light lighting around her so that way people slowly get used to it, but I saw it right away. She looks really pretty with long hair, just like in her flashbacks.

Ok, enough about the castaways hair styles, lets get to the plot!

So, Locke, Jack, Hurley, and Kate open the hatch, and it turns out some guy from Jack's past lives down there. Weird. He's some sort of workout maniac too, taking stereoids and shit. He told Jack his name was Desmond (which J. and I agree is a kickass name). He was all friendly and sweet to Jack when they met in the past, but... now he wants to blow Locke's head off. Nice.

Just goes to show you that anyone who runs up and down the flights in a stadium is a total nutjob.

Meanwhile, Shannon loses Vincent (big surprise) and decides to go looking for him because he gave her a purpose in life (cue: awwww). Sayid goes with her of course because he likes her and because dammit, he's going to be a hero or die trying (Insight into Sayid's head: "Even Charlie is a bloody hero, killing the one man who was going to destroy us and then rescuing Claire's baby TWICE and not to mention the whole almost being strangled thing, fuck!"). But somehow they get separated (when will these people learn to create leashes for hikes??) and Shannon sees a vision....

DUN DUN DUN

ITS WALT! SOAKING WET! WHISPERING LIKE A MAD MAN!

This further supports my theory that Walt is one of "The Others" and was way before he even got on the island. Here is my justifications (cue inspirational music):

Lets go back in time 10 1/2 years. Michael and Michael's wife (forgot her name) are alllll kinds of happy about having a baby. Especially Michael. Michael's wife seems happy too, or at least she seems to at first.

TWO YEARS LATER... Michael's wife is no longer happy. Randomly so, I might add. Michael is giving his all to his kid and his wife is just a bitch. She takes the kid and runs off to Amsterdam.

Don't you think its weird that there were no cues of her feelings before, and that she chose a city so far away to take her kid to? I know she got a kickass job but it just seems really convienent to me. Anyway, what else is very convienent is that Michael gets hit by a car RIGHT AFTER telling his wife he's coming to Amsterdam to get his son.

NOT A COINCIDENCE, I promise you. I wouldn't be surprised of Ethan was driving that car.

So Michael spends time in the big H and his ex comes to see him and tells him she met this new guy who is going to adopt Walt and she wants him to dissassociate himself with his son. Tell me, what kind of punk ass ho tells the father of her baby, who's a good man, mind you (although Michael needs to seriously cut down on the pot, he's hella paranoid) to disassociate himself from his child? Man, I know he was in a wheelchair, but still... I would have kicked her ass the best I could. But this is where the writers get clever with their character development. Michael back then just gave up because he was so stressed out and worn down. But Michael today... no I do not think so. AND THE ISLAND KNOWS THIS.

The island wanted several occasions where Michael ALMOST got Walt but then was thwarted, so when this whole plane-crash thingy happened, Michael would stop at nothing to keep Walt safe. So when they kidnapped him in the season finale, the pirate guys knew that Michael would go after him. ITS CRUCIAL FOR MICHAEL TO NOT BE ON THE ISLAND. It might also be crucial for Jin and Sawyer to not be there either, but I'm not as sure about that right now.

Now let's go back in time again (flashback music and imagery, don' skimp the details):

Walt grows up a little and is in sunny Australia. Suddenly his mom is sick, and suddenly she dies. Weird, why? Three weeks before this fated plane crash, she gets sick and dies. Right after they move to Australia, no less. Doesn't anyone think this is a highly strained coincidence? Now, Walt's step-father, he's a smart guy. He's knows something's up with this kid. Why do birds randomly die when Walt's around? Why does he stare into space like a looney? Is he just a troubled kid, or is he.... ONE OF THE OTHERS?? DUN DUN DUN...

See, I can understand Walt's step-father maybe not being totally gun-ho about raising the kid by himself. But why didn't he just turn Walt over to social services? Or why didn't he just CALL Michael to come get him, or anyways SEND WALT to Michael? Why did he have go, in person, to Michael and ask for him to come take his kid? It wasn't done very efficiently at all. Remember how panicked he was at Michael's apartment? I mean that guy was freeeaked out. He fucking knew: Walt had something to do with his mother's death. He had something to do with that bird's death too. Walt is not a normal kid.

So now he's randomly showing up on the island whispering. And so far, he's only appeared for Shannon... why? Because he knows nobody will believe her? Or is he trying to warn her? I'm not saying Walt is a bad guy, but I am saying is... he's manipulating everyone around him.

He probably even manipulated Locke.

Danielle told the castaways that "the others" were coming. What she meant was, "the others are already here."

His Holiness

2005-09-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

Today I had the ultimate priveledge of seeing the Dalai Lama speak at UT. He's really funny and cute, reminds me a lot of my grandmother. He spoke of the importance of peace and love. What I thought was most interesting about him was how even in the face of incredible adversity, he still keeps a good sense of humor. He's negotiating with China right now to be allowed back into Tibet, and he recognizes the importance of giving up his power for the good of democracy. I believe he's the most humble man alive today.

The chinchillas are doing well but Sadie has become increasingly obsessed with them. She spends most of her time chasing them from one side of their cage to the other, and she will bark out them if we don't repremand her. They don't seem scared tho, in fact I think they're developing a friendship. My mom claims I have too many animals, but I claim there's no such thing.

Tomorrow is the season premiere of Lost. I'm so excited. I'm a little concerned though, because towards the end of last season they started hinting at some pretty strong religious metaphors. Everyone has a past to escape from and is or is not actively seeking redemption. There's a strong tide between Mary Magadelene and Kate, the Virgin Mary and Claire, Jesus as a prophet and Locke, and Sawyer and Judas Iscariot. It'll be interesting to see if they continue this trend.
"Man of Science, Man of Faith" airs tomorrow at 8pm central time. Whee!

Woah don't party too hard

2005-09-17T07:10:00.000-07:00

Last night I did something I rarely do, but seem to be doing more of lately. I went out with my friends to Austin's hotspot, 6th street. When I had my graduation party and all my friends were together at once, there was a definite coercion going on that continued itself last night. I met all these people through different avenues, but they all compliment each other nicely.

I lost my keys at about 11:45, ironically right after getting off the phone with J. Of course this happens the ONE TIME that I drive my own car to 6th street. Usually I make other people drive, particularly the person who's going to get the drunkest. Of course they only drive one-way and I drive their car back, which is a lot less stressful. Never again am I driving my own car up there.

We went to the Jackalope (which N.'s brother didn't like because everyone wasn't cut from cookie cutters), Darwin's, The Aquarium (which is very nice at 1am), and the Blind Pig. Girl J. likes to finish her night here a lot. But what sucked was that nobody would help me get my keys. So I drove girl J.'s car to L.'s house, then caught a ride with N.'s roommate's friend, then caught another ride with another one of N.'s roommate's friend, and finally made it home at 4am. I would have gotten home sooner if girl J. hadn't left L.'s house without telling me. She was supposed to be my ride.

Why do people get drunk, seriously? What's wrong with having a couple of drinks and just feeling good, but still aware? Although people are often funnier, sweeter, and less inhibited generally when they're intoxicated, they're also a lot more insensitive, stupid, and loud. Why not take the best of both worlds? By the end of the night I was really feeling 5th wheel-ish, which to N.'s credit he went out of his way to include me. His roommate is very sweet but was so drunk he couldn't help me out.

This is my version of a crazy night. And I didn't even touch the stuff.

Whales

2005-09-09T22:58:00.000-07:00

"The Whale"

Brimming with white,
over the wave,
the whale swims in the dark.
The moon overhead
Cresant and orange,
hangs like a harpoon
Poised in the sky.
In the deep, below the air
out comes the sprout,
near the coral
And when the whale emerges
A song escapes her lungs
For miles and miles
Her lover will return.

As she waits in the harbor
Sees the people passing by
Portraits of their faces stain
the ocean walls.
She thinks, what would it be like
to not wait for forever
To simply be near your lover
The second you open your eyes?
Entwined in vines of silver
Shoe polish and some softly spoken words
They fly away together,
Never worry about the ocean's scorns.

Time to think about work and play
Time to devote to arts and crafts
Whales have no luxury, she thinks
They swim through the blue
in desperation for love,
Never enjoying their travels, for
it's business, not pleasure.
The more time that goes by
the less chance we have of survival
I must not let myself ponder
On these things for much longer.

If I Choke, Boy you start me up again

2005-09-05T14:45:00.000-07:00

I saw Tori Amos for the eighth time Friday night. The show was at the Backyard, which she plays at almost everytime she comes to Austin. The opening bands, The Like and The Ditty Bops, were interesting choices. I usually like the people who open for Tori but I was pretty impartial towards these two. The Like seemed to be trying way to hard to act nonchalant towards their stance on stage, and the Ditty Bops seemed to be trying way to hard to act enthusiastic. Neither band sucked, but their attitudes made it hard to give their music an honest try. Maybe a couple more years in the business will set them right.

Tori played solo which I have mixed feelings about. Some of her songs, especially those written for solo piano, remain bright and untainted. But the songs she recorded in combination with other instruments, especially basses and drums, sounded naked and unfinished. Highlights included "Jackie's Strength" (very happy to hear a Choirgirl song that wasn't Black-Dove January), Silent All These Years (never heard live, a classic), Cars and Guitars (one of my favorite songs off Beekeeper), and an AMAZING cover of "Mad World" by Tears for Fears. That's one of my favorite songs. But the most exciting moment of the evening for me personally was when she finished the show with "Your Cloud"!!!! I was so pissed to see people getting up and leaving during it. I know they want to beat the traffic but I can't help but feel like they're not true fans. I really don't get people who go to concerts half-heartedly. "Jamiaca Inn" is not one of my favorites, but I enjoyed it anyway.

The second time I saw Tori Amos was at the Backyard with three good friends of mine back in 1999. I was still in high school and dating my first serious boyfriend, a kid from Australia. We had a rocky relationship and our song was "Pretty Good Year". So I went to the concert and I said to myself, if Tori plays this song, it means I should fight for this relationship. And she did. Then all hell broke loose and I don't evne talk to the guy anymore because it's just too painful. All this time I wondered what the fates were trying to tell me, and Friday night when I heard "Pretty Good Year" again I realized exactly what the point was. The point was Tori is Tori, not some mythical oracle for the gods of fate. Her songs are monogamous bitches. They're only faithful to her. They don't give a crap about any of us. They only tolerate us because Tori tells them to.

I guess that means I've grown up quite a bit since that summer. I felt grown up when I was walking amongst a bunch of jean-clad, t-shirted fans, and didn't see a single pair of faerie wings or dramatic eye make-up. I felt grown up when I passed the RAINN booth and didn't feel a twig of pain. And I felt super grown up when I walked out of that venue not contemplating a long-distance, fucked-up relationship, or my relentless love for a homosexual drug addict, or why nobody loves me or I love to freely or how I'm just not cool enough to be an Ears with Feet. Instead, I walked out of that venue hand in hand with my sweet, intelligent, free-spirited boyfriend whose eyes light up when he looks at me and is devoted to me more deeply than Tori is to her Bosendorfer. "Your Cloud" told me that hey, stop freakin out and coming to me for your voice, cause girl, you have your own.

Back

2005-09-01T17:27:00.000-07:00

Ireland was awesome, and it's so cool to know that during a tragedy, other countries are interested in knowing details and helping out. The Irish news couldn't stop talking about hurricane Katrina, despite a major drug bust and a murder that happened in their own country.

I hate driving. I envy Europe's abilities to completely cast cars into the "luxury" catergory, instead of the "pretty much a goddamn necessity if you want to get anywhere in life" catergory. Dublin, with only 2 million people, has an amazing mass transit system. Buses AND an above ground train. Plus, they have several pedestrian-only areas, which makes it easy to get by on foot too. Here in Austin, with only 500,000 people, our bus system takes 45 minutes to get us halfway across town, pedestrians and cyclists have to fear for their lives against SUVs, and an above ground train? Well we voted on it didn't we? but where the hell is it??

Now that I've finished college I really don't need a car anymore. I live really close to where I live, but it's 100 degrees outside. So, I drive. I hate it. As soon as the weather chills out I'll start walking, and then I'll only use my car to go grocery shopping and stuff like that. I wish more people would use their cars less often, and that might encourage mass transit systems. It really is better, I promise.

Going to Ireland

2005-08-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm off to the Emerald Isle, I may or may not be able to update my blog while I'm there. I wish I could though! I'm keeping a journal like always so I have a way to remember stuff. Until next week...

Lost

2005-08-21T00:38:00.000-07:00

I know I've gotten older
because I was mature enough
to not say what so desperately needed
to be said-
needed because life is short maybe
or you were on the edge of release
the light went out as you touched it
you were looking at me

now you don't say anything at all
we're in a circle that i curse as we fall
and i dont know which way to go
nobody will help me, because nobody knows
except for you, and
you made your point clear
let's spin the bottle eyore
although you don't know what you're spinning it for.

Ahh, Family

2005-08-13T19:18:00.000-07:00

I'm a bonified atheist, and lots of times faithful people ask me how I can explain so-called "miracles" without accepting the existence of God. To me, miracles are just that, miracles. Strange, very fortunate occurances without explanation seemingly coming from a much stronger force than any one of us. Random events setting off a chain reaction leading to an extrodinary event that may benefit one or several people, but hardly ever the whole world. In my opinion, in order to justify the existence of God through the miracle argument, you would need a miracle that made life better for every individual on Earth. And frankly, that kind of thing just doesn't happen.

But the closest thing that comes to it has to be family. Not everyone has a good family, or even a present family, but family is the one thing that comes closest to being the one thing that everyone on Earth has in common. More people have family than any other non-crucial-to-life characteristic. I myself am fortunate enough to have a large, boisterious, and loving family that show their undying devotion to me and each other through seething wit and managable distance. And gosh darnit, that's a miracle to me.

I graduated from college yesterday and did the whole hoopla ceromony. My family came from all stretches of existence and took up 3 whole rows just by themselves. I probably had more family per capita than any other graduate. Now, prior to yesterday, I thought the whole walking the stage thing was pretty silly. But as I stepped down the stairs and passed my clan, seeing their huge smiles and waves and camera flashes, I realized that college graduation is a big fucking deal for a reason other than personal accomplishment. It's also a giant sign to the rest of the world saying, "Hey fuckers, my family rocks, look at what they produced? I dare you to try dealing with me for twenty-three years!"

My family might not always be kind to each other, and I know we've all had our personal beefs. But the fact that they can set aside their differences, through divorces, physical abuse, alcohol and drug addiction, adoptions and re-adoptions, miscarriages, name changes, weird religions, jail time, and mental break-downs, is a huge sign of how cohesive our unit really is. How many other families could stick through that shit? Not many, that's for sure.

So this blog entry is a big shout out to my family. I know not many of them read this (actually more might start now that this family reunion thing happened) but for those who do, please know I love and appreciate you. We might not have much to talk about, but we'll always have each other.

Mr. Bush

2005-08-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

I'm not one who usually likes to talk about politics. It's not because I'm apathetic or uninterested or uneducated, tho I might be slightly some of those things. It's mainly because after talking to someone about politics for about two seconds, my focus trails away from what they're saying to how they're saying it, and I begin to come up with theories as to why they've formed the opinions they have, none of which have anything to do with their political stance.

For example, let's take the "Bush is stupid" people. Lots and lots of people like to talk about stupid Bush is. They use semi-valid examples of him fucking up the English language and making contradictory statements. But when I go around in general life having various conversations with all different types of people, and read writing samples of similiar nature, I see rampant butcherings of English and constant contradictory opinions. Spend 5 minutes on Craig's List, watching Meet the Press, or even reading Harry Potter and you'll find conflicted individuals. Bush is a human being, and although he went to Yale, that doesn't excuse him from being imperfect. All it says is that you don't need a fancy education to sound uneducated.

The second faucet of the "Bush is stupid" parade is that he appears unethical. He seems not to care about the casualities of war and is basically using Iraq as his wargame playground. When he speaks of the war he always talks about achieving goals, but never outlines them. He constantly undermines the death of thousands of soldiers by saying he disagrees that their lives were more important than U.S. objectives. Just today, he called a group of protesting Iraqi citizens as "terrorists", simply because they wanted the U.S. to pull out of Iraq. All these are just examples, but there's one problem.

When you live in a priveldged plastic bubble your whole life, and everyone tells you what to say, what to do, what to believe, you're bound to be a dumbass. He never questioned the ideals that were taught to him as a child because he didn't know he had the ability or the right to question them. Everyone fed him a "America is great because we don't have to be accountable" mentality, and he just thought that was the common mentality of everyone. So when he stands up there and babbles on incoherantly about the war, it's not because he's insensitive. It's because he doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

Lastly, if you think Bush is stupid, then why the fuck didn't you vote in 2004? I hate people who rant and rave about how awful he is but failed to show up at the ballots last November. Only 19% of the 18-29 crowd voted. Young people today need to realize that we have the swing vote, it is our future, and we should care because old people sure as fuck don't. Plus, if you vote, you get bitching rights for 4 years, which trust me, are pretty rad to have.

Remember, Congress and the Supreme Court are just as accountable for the actions of government as Bush is. Don't think of him as the leader of the free world, but as the representative of the free world. Besides, he's just one guy. I sure as fuck didn't vote for him, but I don't hate him. I don't really think he's stupid either. I do, however, feel very, very sorry for him, and everyday I count my lucky stars that I was raised a poor white girl and that I intend to stay that way.

On Loyalty

2005-08-10T11:04:00.000-07:00

Something that has always highly interested me is the path an individual takes from birth to the person they become as an adult. I know we still grow and change once we're adults, but a lot of how this happens is condusive to things experienced as children. Take myself, for example. I was there, for my entire life, yet I can't for the life of me pinpoint the exact time in which I said to myself, "I'm going to make my life very fucking hard for myself. I'm not going to care what other people think, I'm going to stay true to myself, and I'm going to have the following requirements for friends: they must be funny, they must be nice, and they must be loyal."

The first two are elements easily found by throwing a small stone into a medium-sized crowd. But the last one is the diamond in the rough. I have learned from my twenty-three years on Earth that loyalty is the most precious commodity in the friendship arrangement. I know several friendships, those I am included in and those who I am not, in which loyalty simply doesn't exist. It makes me so sad to see two people, so in-tune with each other, smiling and laughing, sharing secrets, hanging out, and knowing, that if push came to shove, they'd save their own necks and put their friend on the line.

As I said, I'm just as a guilty of it as the next person. I have a few friends right now who I honestly don't think have shown me a single example of loyalty. Some would say I should stick up for myself. But if you could always fight your own battles, if you could always rise above every obstacle, if you had the power invested in yourself to see past every dumbass who tries to screw you, what's the freaking point in having friends?

That's why I do what I can to be loyal to my friends, even when they constantly screw me in return. I don't let people talk shit about them (even if I'm talking shit myself), I fiercely defend them, and I always am on their side no matter how wrong I think they are. I'm also brutally honest with them when they need a wake-up call, and am gently decieving when they need an ego boost. I'm far from the world's best friend, but fuck, at least I'm goddamn loyal.

Camp is ending this week and I'm so happy about it I could burst. This whole summer has been a constant punch in the face: L. and J. have shown that under no circumstances will they be loyal to me. If they can't even accept the fact that I don't drink, who knows what else they'll refuse to do for me. But as camp ends, I can put all this behind me, and there won't be an ugly reminder telling me this. In three days, I can go back to be blissfully stupid about how loyal my friends truly are.

I guess you can say I like to see the best in people. Call me Dumbledore.

Saying good by to something that could have been cool

2005-08-08T04:45:00.000-07:00

I decided this morning that I'm no longer going to post on Craig's List.

I think Craig, the guy who started it, had no idea what it was going to turn out like, at least in Austin. I think he wanted a no-hassle way for people to get things they needed, help others, or just have good conversation over the internet. There's too many websites these days where this kind of thing just isn't possible, and really, who uses the newspaper anymore anyway? But Craig's List blew up into something that is a great study on human nature, but a horrible example of what can and will happen when we're left to our own devices.

People on CL, maybe due to the anonyminity of it all, are rude, racist, sexist, perverts, hot tempered, assuming, act stupid, and have bad grammar. It's not that they're racist/sexist in the obvious ways, either. Most of it is stuck around quasi "socially acceptable" ways. But it just makes someone like me sick to read it, especially when there's no warning in the title of the post. I don't like censorship, but when every single post on a website could be concievably censored... that's when you know things have gone really wrong.

I also like to see the good in people, so I'm hoping that most of the people who post on CL are actually moderately intelligent and would never say the things they say on CL in real life. They might just use it as an outlet to vent about things in a way that they can't do everyday, which is totally fine. But again, there's no warning. Here's an example:

My Post: "Hey guys, I have a sweet dog who never snaps at anyone, but then all of the sudden snapped at this one person, who did nothing to provoke her. Any help would be appreciated."

Reply from self-appointed Dog Trainer: "That needs to stop."

My Reply: "Yeah, ok, you're a trainer. Tell me what to do, please."

Reply: "That would be unprofessional."

WTF? Then someone else came to this person's aid by saying what if she gave me advice, and then I took it, and things went wrong? She'd be liable. WTF??? Nothing you say on CL or any other random website like that can hold you liable, ESPECIALLY when you're an anonymous person that I have no information about! How could I possibly hold you responsible?? After making a few of these comments as calmly and rationally as I could, I then proceeded to get harassed by 2-3 other people basically saying the same thing, one of them calling my dog a "nasty biter". Now this pisses me off. I don't mind someone sticking up for their job, however irrational their logic is, but someone just passing judgement for judgement's sake? I've had a real problem with this in my life in general.

I'm just sick of people not just chilling out and accepting the world for what it is. If you aren't going to do anything to make it better, shut up. There's another post about how foreign women are so much better than American women. There were like 5 people going on and on about this, usually in their misogynistic language. I ignored most of it but finally I said, "If you don't like American women, then do us a favor and leave." I'm sure I got lots of comments about that one, but I didn't read them. I don't need an ulcer today.

In short, CL is a pretty hateful place, but it's good if you need something in particular. There's none of this crap in the roommates, jobs, or for sale sections. I just can't take the personal interactions anymore. It could have been really cool too, which is why I'm so sad.

In the Defense of Animal Rights

2005-08-02T18:09:00.000-07:00

This is a response to this post.

"For starters: the "animal-rights" arguments against hunting would automatically and categorically declare that many of the remaining native cultures in the world are composed entirely of criminals whose very lifestyle is barbaric... do you really think they're all beyond the pale because they kill animals? Do you really want to destroy their ways of life?"

There is something very, very crucial that you are forgetting. *Hunting* in its purest form (that which is done by the cultures you mentioned and done by animals in the wild) is NOT barbaric, and anyone who thinks so is an idiot, sorry to say. Hunting, again in the pure form, is about survival. A wolf *will* die if it doesn't hunt. It's all about *killing what you need*. A wolf doesn't kill 8 rabbits, eat 1 of them, and leave the rest of them to rot. Humans in non-hunter/gatherer societies kill several cows, pigs, chickens, etc. that get wasted every day. If you don't believe me, go to a grocery store late at night and watch their meat department employees go through all the spoiled meat. That's what makes hunting barbaric, when you kill and don't eat it, when you kill when you have no reason to.

People who live in the U.S. in their nice little cushy suburban houses have no reason to go out and shoot deer. They can drive less than 5 miles to a grocery store and have a wide variety of animal meat to choose from to feed their families. These hunters choose to hunt for sport, and although several of them eat what they kill, THEY DON'T NEED THIS FOOD FOR SURVIVAL. They are basically eating the deer instead of some cow *that is already dead*. This is wasteful.

As for the hunting/gathering societies, as an anthropologist I know that meat is about 0-20% of their overall diet. Fruits, vegetables, nuts, and scavenged meat make up the majority of their food. Some groups, like the "bushmen", go weeks without eating any fresh meat, sometimes without any meat at all, and they survive just fine. When they do make a kill, they celebrate it, and eat every inch of that animal. That is not wasteful.

"...suppress all the evidence that deer overpopulation is ravaging the ecologically important understory of the northern forests and throwing the whole ecosystem out of whack, or, if they're forced to acknowledge it, to suggest contraception, which is labor-intensive, ludicrous, and doesn't work."

Deer are over-populated? So, 7 BILLION PEOPLE is not over-population, but a few thousand deer is? Interesting.

No this is a valid point. The deer over-population does screw up the ecosystem, but one must think back to third grade when we learned about food chains... who is supposed to be in charge of making sure the deer stay in check? Oh yeah, the wolves and coyotes and foxes. Where are these guys? Why aren't they doing their job?

Oh right, people killed them.

If anyone is messing up ecosystems, its us. Any animal that is doing so cannot stop, they have no awareness of what's going on. We do. We mow down habitats, kill animals on whims, and then blame them when stuff screws up. Typical.

"In general, there are two basic ideological problems with trying to reconcile a strict animal-rights standpoint with any reasonable environmental position:

1. If cruelty to animals is wrong and unnatural, then why is nature so cruel to animals?"

I'm sorry, but I really wanted to yell at you for this one. Nature is cruel to animals in a completely different way than humans are cruel to animals. I love nature and don't eat meat, but I am not ignorant. I know nature is a horrible, dangerous, extremely tense place to live. Animals get slaughtered left and right without any human involvement at all.

This is not "cruel" in the use of the word for people against animal cruelity. Nature is a gauntlet, sorta speak. If a species can survive the brutality of nature, then it deserves the right to live (this is very anthropomorphical, I know, but bear with me). If it can't, it goes extinct. The world was like this before humans came and will continue to be like this when we leave, if we ever do. That's the way it is.

Nature is never cruel to animals for the sake of cruelity. That's the difference. Humans who neglect and abuse their pets, hunt for pleasure, stick needles and other objects into animals, strip them for clothing and other goods, all these uses are not natural uses of animals and so belong in a separate section of cruelity.

"If it's not OK for a lab to torture a rabbit, is it equally not OK for a coyote to torture a rabbit?"

Coyotes do not torture rabbits. They kill and eat them. Sometimes the animal is not dead yet, and suffers, but like I said, this happens all the time in nature. It's cruel in the strict sense of the word, but its not the same cruelity as torturing a rabbit in a lab. The coyote doesn't take the rabbit from its mother pre-maturely, stuff it in a cage too small, refuse to let to have any interaction with other rabbits, no stimulation whatsoever, then proceed to insert computer chips into its brain, beat it when it tries to fight back, stick needles up its butt, smear make-up all over its face, force it to breed against the will of starvation, and then eat it. Do you know any coyotes that do that?

"If it's not OK for a human to kill and eat a deer for food, is it equally not OK for a wolf to kill and eat a deer for food?"

See my above arguement about killing for survival versus killing for pleasure.

"Especially if the human is considerably more merciful in the killing than the wolf, who will sometimes start eating the deer's guts before it's dead?"

I mentioned this briefly before but I will elaborate slightly. Yes sometimes humans are more compassionate, which only supports my point. That compassion is what separates us from other animals. The fact that we *care* that our prey is suffering is why we should try to avoid it. Wolves don't care. They eat what they need and move on.

"2. You could get around (1) by claiming that humans are somehow separate from nature and obligated to be more "civilized". But this opens a gigantic can of worms ecologically. Every facet of our entire environmental crisis stems, in a greater or lesser degree, from humans seeing ourselves as cut off from nature, separate from it, not subject to its rules, etc."

That's what humans tell themselves so they can sleep at night. Honestly, though, we're no more cut off from nature than we are cut off from breathing oxygen.

"Seeing ourselves as specially obligated to be nicer to animals than animals are to themselves simply reinforces this view."

See, you say we say we're separated so that we can do what we want to nature, but the truth lies in this statement you made. We're separated because we *want* to be nice to animals (at least a lot of us do, and those who say they don't are lying). Compassion is what segregates us from nature. Unfortunately, we can surpress our compassion, and therein lies the problem. Maybe we should surpress it, to help ourselves thrive as a species. But we shouldn't surpress it too much, or else we'll loose touch with our souls. It's a hard call, and that's why there's so much controversy.

"Yes, obviously, if we're going to eat meat we should strive not to inflict more suffering than necessary on the animal in question, whether farmed or hunted; and yes, indubitably, our current system often inflicts horrific suffering on farmed animals (much less on hunted ones). And yes, the farming and hunting frequently have ecological consequences that should be dealt with. But none of these facts make the act of killing an animal for food inherently immoral, given that we are, biologically, omnivores,"

See my 0-20% comment above. Humans are omnivores only because back at our evolutionary beginnings, we saw other animals eat each other. We hardly ever killed anything ourselves until we started making tools. We can't kill an animal with our bare hands, at least not efficiently enough to claim meat as a primary source of our diet. No, we're omnivores with an emphasis on the herbivore, scavenger side, not the hunting, carnivore side. Without tools, lots of us would be eating far less meat.

"Besides, when you've known John Barleycorn by heart since you were six, it's hard to see the self-sacrifice of a plant as qualitatively different from that of an animal."

This is a really good point, I applaud you for it. Lots of people overlook that plants are living things as well. It's all about drawing a line, really, an arbitrary line that sometimes seems really silly, especially when you defend it. But the truth is, we're 80% herbivores, we need plants to live, we don't need animals necessarily. That's the fact of it all.

"I don't have a problem with people being vegetarians or vegans; in fact, I applaud them. I do object to their being sanctimonious and self-righteous toward those of us who care just as much (sometimes more!) about where our food comes from and about the consequences of its production, and also happen to eat meat."

I want to apologize for all the nazi-veggies out there, they do not represent us as a whole. But I get teased MERCILESSLY by my meat-eating family and friends, and I deal with it, even though its very intolerant. So there's two sides to every coin.

We're not above animals because of reason, intelligence, or culture; we're above them because of compassion. And that's my whole point.

Right and Wrong

2005-07-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

So I was right about Snape being the HBP, wrong about Dumbledore being under the Imperius Curse...

Unfortunately I was yet again spoiled about the "big death" in HBP. My cousin Heather told me about Cedric dying in book 4, and this stupid CIT told me about Sirius in book 5. This time around I have nobody to blame but myself, because I read an article about Jo ignoring the "spoilers herein" warning. That's what I get.

I however had no idea he'd die at Snape's hand. I didn't actually think anyone would *kill* him, unless it was Voldemort. I just figured he'd die of weakness or a curse or something like that. Everyone thinks he's still alive but I doubt it. The one thing I like about J.K. Rowling's writing is that she doesn't kill characters for shock value, she kills them for story value. That's the one thing that always bothered me about Buffy. Character death didn't mean squat.

I thought the romance in this book was a little forced. Harry did a lot of maturing, which was too be expected especially for his age, but the Ginny thing just seemed... weird. I've always thought of the two of them as serrogate siblings. Now this is heavily like incest... personally, like Buffy, I think Harry is better as a solitary character. Heroes don't do well with love, that's part of the tragic flaw of being a hero. I guess they did break up in the end but still...

I like the pacing of the Ron/Hermione relationship. I know she's saving it for the end. As for the book on the whole, I liked it, but PoA is still my favorite.

Oh Fuck, Harry!

2005-07-24T12:47:00.000-07:00

DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T READ HALF-BLOOD PRINCE!

Chapter 20, Day 8...

I finally figured it out, or at least have a really good idea. Dumbledore is under the Imperius Curse! He has to be. Why he finally appointed Snape to DADA professor, why he's been so agitated with everyone, and why he was so insistent on Harry extracting Slughorn's memory! This was the clincher for me. The real Dumbledore might assign Harry some homework, but it would never be something as complicated as extracting a harsh memory. The real Dumbledore, having tried to extract the memory himself, would never dream of putting Harry up to such a difficult task, on top of all the other concerns he has to deal with. He would be much more sensitive to Harry's needs, and instead try to devise a plan where they can work around not having the crucial information. My other thought is that Slughorn's memory is only beneficial to that of a death eater, and the real Dumbledore or the OotP might not have any real need for it. Plus, the way he made Harry feel guilty for not having attaining the memory... that was completely out of character for Dumbledore.

Another clue I had was a little more subtle. Over Christmas, Lupin insisted that Harry should trust Snape, because Dumbledore trusts him, and that's all anyone could hope for. J.K. Rowling could have constructed the conversation in such a way where Lupin simply states, "You've always had a grudge against Snape" or "You two just don't get along", because as everyone knows, Lupin and Harry have already discussed Snape in previous books. Why would they rehash the same conversation? Why would Lupin be so patient in repeating what tons of people have already told Harry? J.K. Rowling wanted to remind us that the sole reason Snape is in the OotP is because Dumbledore trusts him. Clearly whoever put the Imperius Curse on Dumbledore got to him through Snape. Snape is not looking good...

The wine that poisioned Ron was supposed to be a present from Slughorn to Dumbledore. Was it a coincidence that the Potions class covered antidotes just days before Harry desperately needed one? Was Slughorn's excuse for not giving the wine to Dumbledore really because he likes to keep the good stuff for himself? And was the win poisioned when he planned to give it to him? I don't think Slughorn has any reason to poison Dumbledore to death, but let's examine some options:

1. Slughorn suspects something's fishy with Dumbledore. He creates a concotion that breaks the Imperius Curse, but poisions anyone who is not cursed. No worries, Slughorn would cleary have the antidote ready for Dumbledore if such were not the case. Problems: Why didn't he give him the wine? Why did he let Ron drink it? Why didn't he respond quicker with the antidote when Ron was poisoned? Liklihood to be true: Slim to none.

2. Somebody slipped the poision into the wine, intending it for Dumbledore. This needs to be someone who speaks to Slughorn regularly, to discover his Christmas present, and whom Slughorn might allow access to his office without his presence. Anyone in the Slug Club could be guilty then, especially that sotty Slytherin boy. This same culprit could also be the one who cursed Katie Bell and gave her the necklace. All the members of the Slug Club have access to Hogsmeade visits. In fact, the sotty Slytherin boy was spotted by Hermione in Hog's Head right before Katie had her accident. Harry might suspect Malfoy under this conditions, but Malfoy was doing detention for Professor McGonnagal, so he wasn't at Hogsmeade. So if it was his doing, he'd had to have an accompanice. Also, he's not a member of the Slug Club, and really, Slughorn barely pays attention to him. They have had some curtesy, so maybe Draco caught him on a particularly happy day. But if it is Draco, he's not working alone. Problems: Requires a lot of students to be up to no good, but if Snape is evil, and with Dumbledore cursed, this might be workable. Likelihood: 60/40 chance, I'd say.

3. The poison wasn't intended for Dumbledore. Whoever put the poison in the wine knew Slughorn was horrible at giving good presents, and betted that he would keep the wine for himself. They might have even guessed he'd give some to the Slug Club, and there was a fairly good chance that Harry Potter would drink some. It's already been established that whoever is behind this attacks is heartless and cruel, and would easily rely on a few educated guesses. They were right, of course, Harry almost did drink some of the poison. All the Death Eaters, children of the DEs, and Voldemort want Harry dead, so this opens the door to a wide variety of possibilities, again, Draco and that sotty Slytherin boy being high up there. Young people are more likely to be reckless and careless, which is a good reason to assign such a job to a student. Problems: Requires a lot of guesswork, possible unforeseen problems. Likelihood: 50/50.

My last topic is Kreacher. Sending him to Hogwarts was Dumbledore's idea, and Dumbledore could have easily been under the Imperius Curse already at the start of the book. Harry didn't question this idea, because it came from Dumbledore, but if you think about it, Hogwarts is not that safe for such a loose cannon. Kreacher could easily tell OotP secrets to other house-elves, even students, possibily even staff. Of course, Harry has now forbade him to talk about such things to Malfoy, but Harry is not the best at figuring out loopholes. Kreacher is a loophole king, as we saw in OotP. Unfortunately, I believe the only safe thing at this point to do would be put Kreacher out of his misery.

Harry has matured a lot this year, but he has also made a lot of mistakes. These mistakes may cost him later.

Harry Potter and His Collassial Stupid Memory

2005-07-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

Chapter 18, Day 7

I am very annoyed with Harry right now, but at least not as annoyed as I was with him during Order of the Phoenix. Let me explain why.

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He discovered, upon Lupin's advice, that the Half-Blood Prince went to Hogwarts 50 years ago. For some stranger, unknown reason, he doesn't immediately go to Hagrid and ask him if the book belonged to him, or if he has any ideas. For some strange reason, Harry remembers that bezoar is a goat's kidney, a fact he heard briefly from Snape FIVE YEARS AGO, but he can't remember that Hagrid went ot Hogwarts 50 years ago. His memory was even jogged by Dumbledore, and he still didn't register! God Harry is an idiot.

Plus he's still suspicious of Malfoy. This is where Ron and Hermione are dumb. OF COURSE Malfoy is up to something. For God's sake, he disappears off the map, he's missing Quiddich games, he's barely insulted any of them the whole year, and oh yeah, HIS FATHER IS A DEATH EATER! Now Harry is sending Kreacher and Dobby to spy on Malfoy, which is pretty much the best plan he's got, although it's a lousy one.

I love that Harry has a crush on Ginny. I think they're great for each other, but not at the present time. I can see them hooking up much later in life, if it's not awkward. As for Ron and Hermione... it's going to happen, but Ron will have to do a LOT more growing up.

Lastly, just because the book was published 50 years ago, doesn't mean the half-blood prince went to hogwarts 50 years ago. Maybe he got ahold of the book later? In any case, this deeply supports my theory of Snape. Snape is 36 years old, thus started at Hogwarts 25 years ago. He could have easily needed a potions book, and was lent the one Harry currently has. Snape might have "forgotten" to return it while he was at Hogwarts, and then left it there when he became a Death Eater. True, the book would probably burn him alive. He comes back to Hogwarts and probably has forgotten all about it. OR, he took it with him when he left, and brought it back when he returned, and my other theory of him thinking he misplaced it or thought he destroyed it is important. The weakest factor is that Snape is very calculating and plans out things very specifically. I think it's out of character for him to leave this book... unless Voldemort asked him to.

I doubt the half-blood prince is Dumbledore, the Prince is too immature to be him. We shall see what happens.

Harry Potter and the Girl Who Loves Monkeys

2005-07-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

Day 4, Chapter 11.

So I'm still a couple of chapters ahead of where I want to be, but I have slowed down my reading considerably by keeping myself busy. I bought a 1000 piece puzzle and spend the last couple of waking hours before bed watching the Fox Last Call for Laughs line-up and obsessively putting together tiny parts of a tree. Of course I work in the morning, so that leaves the boyfriend-less afternoons to face the HP grip. I started selling a ton of stuff on Ebay and Craig's list so that I have to go "run errands" and of course, play with my dog. All these activities have aided me some, but yet I am still way ahead in my reading.

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I want to say the Half-Blood Prince is Godric Gryffindor, but there is one major flaw with this. Godric never went to Hogwarts, because he was a grown man and helped start it up. So why would he have bought a spellbook to use in his potions class? Also, Godric was alive a long, long time ago... wouldn't they have updated the potions book by now? Its doubtful the books they use today at Hogwarts were the same they used when the school first opened. However, it would make sense that Godric was a half-blood (considering the rivalry between him and Salazar Slytherin) and he was a sort of metaphorical "prince" (he had a sword and everything) so it's possible. And he could easily make up his own spells.

For the same reason that they probably are using different spellbooks these days, Dumbledore is probably not the half-blood prince either. But, I'm pretty sure he probably went to Hogwarts, and I can see potions not being his best subject also. When has Dumbledore ever used one, talked of one, or had any supplies in his office or anything like that? Also, he taught Transfiguration before he became headmaster, and typically Potions and Transfiguration are like math and English... its rare to find someone really good at both. We all know Dumbledore surely has made up his own spells. But why write them down in an old potions book and leave it down in the dungeon? He could have forgotten...

Which brings us to Snape. We all know he's excellent at potions... probably because he came up with a bunch of tricks. He's young enough that it's possible for the books not to have changed yet, we know for sure he went to Hogwarts. He was a loner, so had a lot of time to come up with his own spells (probably with the motivation to use them against his tormentors, and he has expressed a love of dark arts... Harry hasn't tested these spells yet, so it's quite possible just the work of an angsty teenager). He used to live in the dungeon, so that explains why the book is down there. However, it seems rather careless of Snape to leave such a treasured possession behind, since he is typically a pretty OCD kind of guy. So if it is his, he probably thought he misplaced it, or maybe he thought he destroyed it. The last problem with Snape being the owner of that book is that... is he an half-blood? Is he a prince? And is he PROUD of that?

The answer seems to be no. We all guess he was in Slytherin, being the head of the house, but do we know for sure? And also, a few half-bloods have probably made it into Slytherin before. We know his parents fought a lot... maybe their arguements were mostly over being Muggle vs. wizard. Does Snape care about bloodlines? He hates Ron and Neville just as much as he hates Harry and Hermione. Maybe he just has a grudge against all Gryffindors. He's never used a racial slur, never specifically stated his opinion one way or the other. So I think he could easily be half-blood, easily not care, and again, working on his own agenda. This would support why he's working both sides... he's getting the best for himself, and doesn't care about the war as a whole.

But what about prince? How is Snape a prince? Is that just what he called himself? Or maybe Voldemort approached him in his teenage years and began to call him one.

Out of the above three choices, Snape is the strongest. I'm also not discluding Draco, Seamus Finnagan, or Hagrid. But we'll see how it goes.

Lastly, wtf is up with Ron and Lavender Brown? Ugh that bitch better stay away from my man.... ;)

The Grip of Harry Potter

2005-07-17T17:38:00.000-07:00

Seven Chapters, Day 2:

I am thoroughly engrossed in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I vowed to only read 2 chapters a day, and it's only day 2 and I'm 7 chapters into it. So much is going on!

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I refuse to believe Snape is a Death Eater. WHY would J.K. Rowling be so obvious when she is NEVER that obvious? She spends the first 5 books explaining that all the really "nasty" stuff associated with Snape is in Harry's head, and that although he's not Mr. Shiny Bubbles, he's not evil either. Now she's all of the sudden saying Harry's been right the whole time? Please, teenagers are hardly ever right, at least when it comes to judging character. Snape is clearly either playing both sides until he figures out which one will be victorious, is a spy for Dumbledore into Voldemort's plans, or has his own agenda. If he does have his own agenda, which would fit his character, it would be kind of stupid. He has to know that eventually, one or both the sides will realize he's not working for anyone but himself. I don't think he's that smart or talented to be able to work himself out of a pickle against Dumbledore AND Voldemort.

The more I read, the more I think Dumbledore is the half-blood prince. I know I said Draco many a time, but he seems to have other things going on (tho I was right about him being a crucial part of this book). He offered to give Harry private lessons, and the book jacket summary says harry will have "help from the half-blood prince along the way". So that means the half-blood prince is good (why would a bad guy help harry?) and it fits what Dumbledore is doing. Plus we all know Dumbledore loves all wizards, so it makes sense for him to be a half-blood himself.

Something's also going on with Ginny, which is exciting. She's one of my favorite characters and often seems to just be around for occasional comic relief, when Ron's not available or else being stupid.

So far, I like how Harry has matured and started to realize his allies are not against him, which was a huge problem I had with him in book 5. He's still as stupidly suspcious as ever. I can't believe Draco caught him on the train! Well, I guess it's high time someone did catch him, he has had a lot of blind luck with the invisability cloak.

Inner Anger

2005-07-13T11:51:00.000-07:00

I am really pissed off.

Today at work I returned a favor to a fellow counselor, N., after she did one for me last week. The favor was watching her kids for what was supposed to just be 30 minutes while she ran an errand. During this 30 minutes I was supposed to have 3 helpers and another adult with me, which I did. She told me her replacement should be there at lunchtime.

She wasn't.

What makes it so difficult for people to communicate with each other? If you tell something to someone, and then you tell someone else you said something different, why would you do that? Don't you know it only aids confusion and you might as well not have said anything at all? Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I found out that N.'s replacement had NO idea what was going on, and was told that I was handling it perfectly. N. then tells me that her replacement (who happens to be a good friend of mine) is on her way. Why did she tell us two different things?

On top of it all, L., my so-called best friend, totally took the side of the replacement counselor over me and attacked me. She didn't even know what was going on, and she had no sympathy for me at all. Why do I do this to myself? Why don't I make my friends accountable for their actions?

I am really pissed off, but not at anyone mentioned above. I'm pissed at myself.

Why are those your favorite songs?

2005-07-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

After my post of my 40 favorite songs, I decided that maybe I should put a little explanation into them, so that people don't just arbitrarily assign their own ideas to why I like stuff. Also, some *ahem* people might be just a little slightly judgemental about my choices, and although I'm not really trying to appease anyone, I do want to make sure everyone knows the rhyme to my reason. So here goes. Chapter One.

1. Imagine by John Lennon

This song touched me at a very young age. Sometimes I think the Beatles were encoded into my DNA or something, because their music holds this deep strong familiarity that I only feel when I'm around my parents or my childhood toys. John Lennon's simplistic yet sophsticated songwriting style has always won over my heart.
I heard this song for the first time from my memory around the age of 7 or 8. That would make it 1988-9 or so. I think I heard it on a soft rock station, but my Aunt L. is a hardcore Beatles fan, so she might have played it for me too. It was a time in my life when I was learning about the rainforest, endangered animals, global warming, and how my heart was swelling every second to change everything around me. Even though I was reading books and watching movies about these subjects, I felt somewhat isolated in my feelings. I looked around and only saw people who might nod sympathetically, but then went on with their daily polluting business. But when I heard "Imagine" it was like someone taking my hand and leading me to a special hiding place and whispering in my ear, "I get you. And I'm going to help you."
John Lennon spoke mostly about world peace, which was his passion. I'm into world peace too, and I think we can achieve global understanding through love of the globe. Everytime I hear this song my childhood passion comes rushing back through my blood, and any discouragement I might have recently recieved all goes out the window. In music and death, John Lennon has inspired millions of people. I'm just another speck on his artistic masterpiece.

2. Superstar- The Carpenters

This is another song haunting me from my childhood. My mom was really into the Carpenters. She was pretty young when she had me and in those days, music was still important to her. I got into this song first because of the beat. I guess you could say it was my first "rockin" song, or the first song I "rocked out" to. I loved to dance around the house singing this song and playing air guitar, which I didn't know I was doing at the time.
As I grew older, I thought more about this song. It's about a love you can never have nor can you ever let go of. A dream you think you can make reality, but then you realize reality is too harsh for dreams. It's important I think to understand the difference between the way the world is in your head, AKA the way you want it to be, versus the way it actually is. There's a very painful transition that most everyone must go through in order to acheive this realization, and Superstar is one individual's journey. I think a whole novel could be written about this one song. Too bad Ruben Stubbard fucking butchered it. Oh well, nobody will ever remember his version.

3. Starla- The Smashing Pumpkins

This song came into my life circa 1995-6. I was a teenager then and I didn't really think I knew everything, but I was starting to realize some of the burdens of being intelligent. I took up listening and playing music as a way to let go some very depressing, angry, and outright vicious feelings I had towards myself and the way people treated me. The Smashing Pumpkins was one of the first bands I really got into that I discovered on my own, even though I had a handful of people who helped me (namely the divine Miss L., M., and a tad bit of S.P.). When I was 14, I was into all the Smashing Pumpkins had to offer. But Starla was the one that stuck with me.
"No more words just you and I, high in the sky". It's about simplicity. It's 11 minutes long but its the 11 minutes that are short when you're hanging around someone you can never be around again. Billy Corgan tells this stupid story about the song in the Piesces Iscariot CD, which is a cute story as far as cute stories go, but I prefer to ignore it. This song reminds me of my old frined K., who ran off into the jungle around the age of 16, and I think about her all the time.
It's somewhat nostaliga, but it's mostly just heartache, and thinking of the next life in which everything can just be as it should.

4. Across the Universe- The Beatles

I fucking love this song. It's so poetic and beautiful, insightful, and just transcends everything around you. I feel like I'm in a little rainbow bubble when I listen to this song. Across the Universe came late in my life in relation to when I started getting into the Beatles. I knew songs like Yellow Submarine and I Wanna Hold Your Hand. I didn't know anything remotely outstanding like this existed. I think it was when Fiona Apple did her cover of it that I said, "WTF??"
When I die, I want this song played at my funeral. It's the perfect transitional song. It describes everything that I want out of death, which is more like just the celebration of life. "Nothing's gonna change my world..."

5. Hey Jupiter- Tori Amos

My first love was Tori Amos. My second love was M., a boy who I described in terms of Tori Amos songs. Hey Jupiter is our strongest song. It depicts in perfect lyrical vision the course of our entire acquaintance. I always felt like this song was about a situation that was inevitable yet horribly wrong. Not because of moral issues or social standards, but just because two things sometimes just don't fit. M. and I fit only in special situations. So much of my teenage life was spent running to him, trying to get him to figure me out, trying to figure him out myself, trying to make it all work. It wasn't even like forcing two puzzle pieces together that didn't fit, it was like trying to add a banana to the puzzle.
I pushed M. too far. But M. pushed himself further than I ever dared to go. In the end, our friendship deeply suffered. Separation and the anxiety of being together when we couldn't was our downfall. "Sometimes I breathe you in, and I know you know".

6. In the Middle- Jimmy Eat World

Gosh I wish someone had written this song for me. Whenever I listen to this song, I always imagine myself in the pit of a concert, gazing up at the lead singer who happens to be my boyfriend, and he's looking down at me and singing every word right into my eyes. I don't particularly want the band to be JEW, but just someone I truly love. I always said that my soulmate would sing this song to me without even knowing I liked it.
It's classic. Sometimes you just get frustrated and you feel like everything's shutting down on you, but you're just in the middle. I like this song also because the lyrics are not hard to decipher. It's a song everyone can relate to. It's a song you can play at parties, sing to at the top of your lungs, or just chill with in a dark room. No matter what's going on, In the Middle always cheers me up.

Those are the first 6. I will do this in groups of however many I can do in a sitting.

Tenant's Rights

2005-07-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if it is more difficult to fight for your rights in a country that has little of them, or in a country that claims to have lots of them. In the past few years in the U.S., pretty much post-911, we've had a constant struggle with right to privacy, right of free speech, right to pick your own religion, right to love who you want to love (which is not expressly stated in the Constitution, but it should be), and my personal battle: right to live in fucking peace.

It amazes me, after all the wars and protests and laws and everything, that in the whole 229 years of our country, nobody sat down to draw up some Tenant's Rights. I don't mean stuff like right ask for why the landlord is keeping the deposit or right to cook food in your house, I mean a list of things that landlors just *cannot* do to you without a very, very good legal reason. If you've never really sat down and read a lease, you should. It's amzing what we let these people get away with. I know they own the place, and they should protect their investiments/interests/safety, but come on. What I really want to do is meet the morons that are so stupid that they cause the landlords to come up with these ridiculous things. For example:

-landlords, and anyone who works for them, can spy on you at any time. Doesn't matter what you're doing, why they're in your house, or the situation, but they can draw their own conclusions about everything they see. Unlike when you commit murder, you have no right to try to prove your innocence when a landlord accuses you of something. You're always guilty before they prove you innocent.

-landlords can make mountains out of molehills anytime they'd like. They can tell you where to park your car, when to have guests come over, when to hang out laundry, etc. And if you don't do these simple things, or when you fail to do them one time, they can freak out on you in any way they like. They can also not tell you they want to do these things, yet you are responsible for reading their mind.

-You are not released from your lease *for any reason*. Not even death. If you die, your family is responsible for all your debts. I know it's probably not the landlord's falut you're dead, just like it's not the credit card company's either, but come on now people. We should make an excuse for death, with the one exception of suicide. If you kill yourself, heck yeah you should be responsible for it. But any other kind, let the poor person rest in peace for Christ's sake.

-Landlords can ask lots of imposing questions. Just yesterday my mom and her boyfriend and some of his family came over to give me some stuff she had of mine, and my landlord instantly grilled them into the ground. "Who are you?" "What's going on?" etc. Can you be more rude? Landlords have never heard the phrase "you get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar".

-Not all landlords are the same. This one really tripped me up, even though it seems rather obvious. All my previous landlords didn't care about people coming over, my pets, or cars parked in the parking lot. My current one does. What's worse, they claim to be cool with something and then later change their mind, or forget what they said, or just plain lie. That's why it's important to know your lease inside and out, or at least to keep it handy when you need it.

I don't know about the rest of you, but all this seems a little overboard to me. Maybe I should buy a house and rent it out to see the other perspective. But from where I'm standing, it seems like the whole system is designed to screw the youth. But then again, isn't everything?

The Line

2005-07-02T21:39:00.000-07:00

So I have a guy friend, N., who is kinda new in my life. We have tons of fun together, but my best friend, L., thinks that we're flirtatious and we like each other. I really think society brainwashes people into thinking that when they see 2 people of the opposite sex together having fun, there has to be an attraction. Every single guy friend of mine and I have had this problem. When I was in high school, M. and I would always get comments like, "when are you guys getting together?" and "you look so cute together!" Seriously, why can't a guy and a girl just be friends and everyone leave them alone about it?

L. argues that there's a "line" that you cross that makes people think you're more than friends. But I don't know what that line is. Clearly mouth kissing is against the rules (especially if one of you is in a relationship, as I am) but what about cheek kissing? I mean I kiss my grandma on the cheek for Christ's sake. And then there's tickling. I think tickling between friends is totally fine, but it can be used as foreplay between partners. So I guess it could send mixed signals if you weren't careful. Then there's general goofing around, which N. and I are notorious for. How do you know when goofing around becomes flirting?

I say its all about intentions. I have a boyfriend, and therefor no intention to sleep with anyone else, especially N., since he's not really my type anyway. I doubt he likes me more than a friend as well, so I think we're both really comfortable just relaxing and having fun because we know it doesn't lead anywhere. But the lines of communication have to be open. If something inappropriate were to happen, I'd immediately get myself out of the situation so my intentions cannot be construed. But the friendship between a sexes is a haze, and sometimes you can get lost.

Miracle Water

2005-06-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

So I started drinking water out of this 50 dollar bottle my dad got me. It has this special filter in it. My dad got this shoulder injury from skiing three years ago that never really subsided until he started drinking this so-called "miracle water". He's as skeptic as they come, so when he believes in something, it's probably pretty fucking good. So he got me a bottle and so far, I've been using it for two days.

I don't want to gross anyone out with my medical problems, but I have a few. After only drinking this water for 2 days, I already see a dramatic improvement in some of my health problems. I still fell asleep in physics class again, but that's because of my hectic schedule.

Water really does good things for your body, and will never do bad things unless it's dirty. It won't be long before water will be rationed, so if you don't drink a lot of it now, you probably should start, so your body can be stronger when the rationing starts. I don't know when that'll be, but trust me, it's closer than you think.

On a different note, PETA WON THEIR LAWSUIT!!!! I couldn't be happier. In celebration, I bought me and L. two animal rights wristbands that can be purchased at their website. They're so cool! I'm really strapped for cash now but it's worth it. Every so often, you gotta be a little frivolous, it keeps you from taking money too seriously.

My 40 Favorite Songs

2005-06-15T18:29:00.000-07:00

So, my cousin G. listed her favorite songs, so I said eh, I like to jump on bandwagons G. creates. So here they are, the first 5-10 are pretty solid, after that I'm sure I'm forgetting a ton of classics. This is literally off the top of my head. I will edit as needed.

1. Imagine- John Lennon
2. Superstar- The Carpenters
3. Starla- Smashing Pumpkins
4. I Know- Fiona Apple
5. Across the Universe- The Beatles
6. Hey Jupiter- Tori Amos
7. In the Middle- Jimmy Eat World
8. Ojos Asi- Shakira
9. Everlong- Foo Fighters
10. Tyler- Toadies
10. Pandora's Aquarium- Tori Amos
11. Let it Be- The Beatles
12. Be Mine- David Gray
13. The World We Love- Jimmy Eat World
14. Deep Kick- Red Hot Chili Peppers
15. A Night Like This- The Cure
16. Enjoy the Silence- Depeche Mode
17. Happiness is a Warm Gun- The Beatles
18. Your Cloud- Tori Amos
19. Leaving on a Jet Plane- John Denver
20. Like a Rolling Stone- Bob Dylan
21. Homebrew- 311
22. Passionate Kisses- Lucinda Williams
23. Elephant Medly- Moulin Rouge
24. Winter- Tori Amos
25. Haushinka- Green Day
26. Step Aside- Sleater-Kinney
27. Purple People- Tori Amos
28. I Take My Chances- Mary-Chapin Carpenter
29. Gone Away- The Offspring
30. Creatures (For a While)- 311
31. Holiday- Green Day
32. Polaris- Jimmy Eat World
33. Private Helicopter- Harvey Danger
34. Like a Prayer- Madonna
35. Midnight Show- The Killers
36. Total Eclipse of the Heart- Bonnie Taylor
37. The Distance- Cake
38. Bittersweet Symphony- The Verve
39. Never is a Promise- Fiona Apple
40. Yellow- Coldplay
40.. Sleeps With Butterflies- Tori Amos

Its hard to write a list like this because there's several factors... do I pick the songs that best represent me, have most impacted my life, or are jsut my current favorites? But this is roughly accurate, and I'm sure I'm forgetting a ton. L. thinks its nuts that Homebrew is my favorite 311 song. L.'s face is nuts.

The Forbidden Question

2005-06-12T20:39:00.000-07:00

Here's a little tip about life:

NEVER ASK A GRADUATE WHAT THEY'RE DOING NEXT!

This is by far the most annoying thing I've ever encountered in terms of education, aside from the stupid GRE, which I will rant about later. I'm about to finish college in August and what I've just done-accomplished an undergraduate degree- is a pretty fucking big deal. I think the statistic is like 15% of the population even go to college, and even less graduate. So what I don't understand is, why can't people just congradulate me on my accomplishment? Why do they have to pester me with the future?

See, the thing is, going to college (if you actually work at it and don't just goof off) is hard. Studying, tests, managing your schedule, paying bills, having a part-time job, maintaining relationships with friends and family, all that stuff can be pretty stressful. Doing it for 4+ years is really hard, and I challenge anyone to do it as well as I did. I'm graduating with a 3.2 GPA goddammit. When I tell people I'm about to graduate, what I'd really, REALLY like to hear, and what I'm sure hundreds of other graduates would also like, is simply, "Hey, congrats dude, that ain't no can of string cheese. You kick ass. Good luck in the future." AND THAT'S FUCKING IT! I don't want to feel MORE pressure to prove to you that my college education is going to good use by contributing to society in some way YOU think is acceptable. I don't want to have to explain my plans to you at all. Who the fuck are you anyway? Just leave me alone and let me bask in the greatness of being fucking FINISHED.

But just to be nice, here are my plans:

-getting a job that's better than any job I've ever had
-attending graduate school in anthropology in fall of 2006
-eventually earning my PhD and becoming a primatologist
-fighting for animal rights
-adopting my first child by age 30
-raising that child
-visiting Africa several times
-maybe adopting another child and raising that one too
-visiting Australia and Japan
-kids grow up, send them to college
-start a scholarship fund
-get tenure
-people begin to call me an "inspiration"
-nursing my parents in their old age
-buy a summer house in Canada
-grandkids come around
-get on the cover of National Geographic
-famous journalist (probably F.) interviews me
-retiring
-writing a book that wins an award
-movie gets made about my book
-movie wins Oscar, I get to make long-winded speech
-I plant a garden of nice vegetables and make my grandkids eat them
-I cry over orangutans becoming extinct
-I become crazy and begin to carry a shot gun with me everywhere
-my kids put me in a home
-I break out of home
-I escape to Canada and stand in front of where my summer house was and cry
-I turn 100
-I go around telling everyone I knew I'd live to be 100
-maybe great-grandkids come around
-great-grandkids don't understand me and think I smell
-I sit in a rocking chair a lot
-my hair turns purple and I watch game shows at top volume
-my teeth are better than ever
-I die in my sleep
-I peacefully waste away as my soul returns to the Earth.

So there you go. If anyone asks me the forbidding question again, I will simply direct them to this blog. Don't ask graduates what they're going to do when they're done. They're too tired to answer you, and definitely too tired to care.

On "Sexy"

2005-06-08T17:52:00.000-07:00

N. hurt his foot yesterday, which sucked in two ways: one, I don't like to see my friends in pain, and two, we were brushing on an interesting topic I had never really thought about before: how I interpret sexiness. We had a brief spat about it before he waddled off (hopefully he still has a foot). Basically, I don't look at people and say, "oh, they're sexy". I look at actions instead. In a way, almost everyone I know and interact with has done something sexy that I've observed. I'll give three examples.

Let's start with my boyfriend, since obviously I think he's sexy. I think he's the most sexy when he does cute little considerate things. For example, he only eats Indian food on special occasions or when I say it's cool, because he knows I don't like it very much. He could be a jerk and say fuck you Sleeps with Butterflies (from henceforth known as SWB), I'm going to eat Indian food if I damn well want to. But he doesn't. Instead he takes me into consideration. The same goes when I'm sad, he drops everything to cheer me up. I just think that's really sexy.

Another example we'll get from L., my best friend. L. and I have known each other for ions and she's done loads of sexy stuff, but I only have platonic love for her. The single most sexiest thing L. does is laugh. When she gets into these crazy giggling fits, I think she's really sexy. I also like how she's always fidgeting with her hair. Times like that make me really admire her and my heart grows for her a little more.

(Sidenote: my boyfriend just did another really sexy thing: he pretended to be reading over my shoulder but was closing his eyes. That's sexy.)

Lastly, since we started the post with N., we'll end with N. Yesterday he re-taught me how to play gin, and the whole time he was explaining it, he was smoking a cigarette. Anyone who knows me will tell you I hate smoking, but in this situation, it was kind of endearing. He kept getting on himself about how he was explaining, basically being really self-conscious. I love it when people are self-conscious, it brings out the best in them. He was really sexy in that moment, and I wanted to tell him, but like I said, he was injured.

So that's how I describe sexiness. It's a brief moment in time, based on an action. You can't be sexy all the time, but I'm always watching for the perfect moment.

Angsty Poetry, yay

2005-06-02T12:34:00.000-07:00

"A Room with a Gun"

Again the shallow cold breeze
Gathers up in the place that I breathe
dwelling, dwindling, six sullen sounds
I speak up with words that drown.

She painted a vase with hours and sweat
Picked roses from dawn and baby's breath
Glass kept out the disasters and lovers and truth
Inside all she felt was abused.

I came to retrieve a gift I had passed
Under the tree with the papers unwrapped
I almost said no, and with time it would stop
But for me dreams always turn over to thoughts.

She's sorry she led you all the way here
Even thought she warned you it's best to stay clear
And now we're stuck staring into the drain
I passed on my way over, saw she's down it again.

Today I drink coffee, tonight I will thrust
All that comes out of me excluding my lust
I'm glad it was taught of me when I was young but
Fate still put us together in a room with a gun.

On "Coolness"

2005-05-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

Look, I don't smoke pot. I don't drink. I don't eat meat. It's just who I am. I really don't give a fuck if other people do these things, but I am going to answer their questions honestly and thoroughly. So don't ask me why I'm a vegetarian if you really don't want to know.

Today I went to a party thrown by an old friend of mine, accompanied by my boyfriend and my best friend. The party was really chill and fun at first, until it started migrating to the back room, where (most) everyone was smoking pot. I have nothing against smoking pot in general; I don't really believe it's a "gateway drug" and I think the way most people use it, it's relatively harmless. I do, however, believe it is possible to get addicted to it, and abuse it. I think the number of marijuana abusers is higher than anyone would admit because most people who smoke pot refuse to associate it with the abuse done to other drugs. For example, I know people who smoke pot almost every day. But this is not considered abuse. Yet doing cocaine almost every day is considered abuse. Drinking alcohol as well. And if you smoke cigarettes this frequently, you're probably addicted to nicotine. So why is marijuana differ? I'm glad you ask, because I have a theory.

Lots of people smoke pot, but for the most part, it's smoked by people who wouldn't be "doing drugs" otherwise. Like, if marijuana didn't exist and nothing replaced it, these people would just not be drug users period (discluding alcohol and cigs of course). Marijuana is not known for destroying lives like hard drugs are, and so therefor people who might be curious about drugs yet afraid to use them are drawn to it. It's kinda like seeing a scary movie to get the "thrill" of being scared, without actually having an axe murderer after you. Most people, especially in their youth, feel the need to experiment with different types of things. So, marijuana is a "safe" way to experiment with drugs without the risk of becoming a "junkie". Nobody wants that label, because as I mentioned earlier, they wouldn't be using drugs otherwise. Thus, marijuana abusers go unlabeled because nobody wants to admit they exist. Saying a drug has a possibility of abusers is admitting, in fact, that it is a drug.

I see people wandering around every day amist in this fantasy. Some of my friends are. I don't particularly care, because it is their lives and they aren't hurting anyone else doing it, but it does frustrate me a little. It frustrates me because I don't smoke pot, because I don't do drugs, and yet I'm labeled as lame because of it. Marijuana creates a double standard. Those who use it are unidentified drug users, and those who don't use it are lame duds. I don't care what these people think, because judging me on my drug use is just stupid. But it does hinder my social life considerably. I just want to know why people aren't open to the idea that hey, there just might be those out there that are cool without doing what everyone else is doing!!!

I want to be seen as myself, pure and unadulterated. I want to walk into a social situation and not fear what my peers will think of me, or worse, will say to me. I don't want to have to constantly either defend myself, or ignore them. My mother always used to tell me to ignore people who picked on me, but it only works in certain situations and only goes so far. The only solution to such things is for the picking to not happen in the first place, for freedom of expression to be truly free. I think a lot more people would be more open-minded if they didn't sit around wondering, hey, am I smoking enough pot? Am I drinking enough beers? Do I like all the right bands? Am I wearing cool enough shoes? Blah blah blah blah blah...

I don't do any of it. I do what I like. I think I'm cool, and I demand respect. If you don't want to give it to me, then fuck you. Don't expect me to show up at your party ready to smoke pot, cause I just won't do it.

Something I Meant to Discuss Before

2005-05-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

Working with kids is an interesting experience, one not easily explained. I remember the first time I read Interview with a Vampire by Anne Rice, and there was this quote that stuck with me... being a vampire cannot be imagined by a mortal, just as having sex can never really be imagined by a virgin. Such is the same with working with kids. If you've never done it... well, what you think it might be like is only a fraction of what it really is.

One of the hardest things of working with kids is that you aren't their parents, meaning you can't discipline them thoroughly, you have to tiptoe around controversial topics (unless you know for a fact your opinions match those of the parents, but even still, it's shaky ground), and you have to watch your words and actions very carefully. Also, sometimes you struggle between being true to yourself and seeking out what's in the best interest of the child. Here's what I mean:

As a kid, I was a geek. Half of my childhood I was the unpopular, super smart, not really caring about the world geek, and the second half I was a rebel, popular-with-the-outcasts, vigilante for the underdog kind of geek. Either way, I never "fit in" with the so-called "cool kids". There wasn't this known popular group at my high school like you seen in the movies, but there was a segregation of style and class. To put it simply: if you thought for yourself, you were one of us, if you didn't, you were one of them. Fortunately nobody really cared if you tried to integrate yourself into both groups, and true there were several successful people. But for the most part, everyone just kept to those who were like-minded.

But I hated the preps. Those girls who carried around their Gucci purses and gossiped about lipstick and boyfriends and always had fake blonde hair and managed to hike up their skirts just a little past the "inch above the knee" rule. I hated those boys who treated girls like sub-humans, who walked around talking about their game last night or their band's gig, who tossed their hair like they were in a shampoo commercial. Yes, I am sorry to say, I was shallow enough to actually spend energy on loathing these people. I was probably jealous. But I wouldn't ever let it on.

So I spent my childhood campaigning against those types, those that even had a "type". I questioned the rules and the norms and freaked out my parents pretty good. I never did drugs, but I loved rock n roll. I did well in school, but only with the teachers who enjoyed free thinkers. Those that didn't hated me and gave me C's. Oddly enough, they all taught math. Weird.

Anyway, back to the present. Working at K. Elementary School, I befriend 3 4th grade girls: R., T., and L. Now I know, because part of being smart is that you pretty much always know what's going to happen next, that these 3 girls will morph into those "prep" types that I hated. And I know that if I were the same age as them, they wouldn't befriend me, they'd think I was weird. But I'm an adult, and they think I'm cool, and I think it's funny. It's the same train of thought of what would it be like to meet your parents as kids, or to meet your husband/wife when they were a lot older. Age is a funny thing that really does more to our perseptions of people than we like to admit. Because of their age, I am kind to these girls, endure their endless babbling about teeny-bopper stuff, and lay off on the encouragement to think more worldly. Besides, who am I to say what they should or shouldn't be like? Aren't I always claiming that I'm a free thinker, an individual? If I am truly that, then I should allow others the same priveledge, especially children.

And that leads me to my last thing... working with kids really makes you discover things about yourself, often times forcing you to admit these things. Those preps I knew in high school were probably once just like T., R., and L. Perhaps I shouldn't have been so hard on them.

On Margaret Cho

2005-05-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

I like Margaret Cho. It's actually pretty hard not to, considering she has an imppeccable knack for saying what's on everyone's minds. Not to mention she's hilarious, but that doesn't always mean good things. Plenty of funny people are funny because they have nothing else to offer; sometimes sadness pentrates them so deeply that they have nothing left to lose. My 12th grade English teacher put it best: "Laughter is the best mask for misery."

I don't think that's the case for Margaret, however. She's definitely had her share of misery, I'm sure, but instead of lamenting on stage about failed relationships and miscommunication between sexes, she uses her experiences to educate as well as entertain. She's one of the few comics (and I say that without being able to think of another example, although I'm sure there is one) who use their platform for just that: a platform. It's not for the weak of heart, but not because some people are sexual prudes or flaming conservatives. It's not for the weak of heart because it's revolutionary.

Sometimes it's good in life to have someone around to remind you who you are, where you're going, and what's important in life. Lately, I have to admit I've been feeling a little antsy, a little insecure. Okay maybe a lot insecure. Working with children can do that to you. You're always second-guessing yourself, having to choose your words wisely, watching your actions, because you never know when you're going to do something, no matter how insignificant, that will drastically affect the child who's with you. I'm rounding out a solid 15-month period working with kids, and it's wearing me down. But Saturday night I watched Margaret's movie and realized, I can't let it wear me down. What I do is part of the Self-Esteem Revolution, and if I stop or second guess myself too much, I let the Man win. Margaret's very good and reminding you not to let the Man win.

I'm going to take a minute to make a comment about make-up. Twice in the last couple of months I've had people ask me why I don't wear it. There's a long drawn-out story I could tell regarding me as an 11-year-old and my sister and blah blah blah, but that's not the point, so I won't bore you with it. The point is, make-up is a cage society puts on a woman. It's just like panty hose and high heels and hair spray and giggling and coyness and hip-swerving and the balance between sexual availability and sexual purity. All these things were designed, mostly by women themselves, to inhibit a woman to be just who she wants to be. Now, I know some women out there wear make-up and high heels because they really do like it, and that's great for them. Personally, I hate it. It makes me feel bad about myself, it makes me feel like I'm betraying who I really am, it makes me feel like I'm letting someone else decide what I'm all about. I think it's very strange how much make-up women wear to attract a man, who will only see her without it later on. Seriously, why put up a charade? How do you know the man likes you for you, and not for your lipstick? It creates a constant guessing game. Also, I simply don't have the time or money for it. I'd much rather spend $5 on 15 boxes of mac n cheese, thank you very much.

Margaret Cho helped me find the words to express how I feel about the above subject, amongst other things. We are what we are, and if we don't like it, then we should change it, and nobody should stop us. Meanwhile, we should love others for who they are, and who they want to be. I think Margaret does this, and that makes her more than just a comic to me.

The Force is Strong in this One

2005-05-20T20:21:00.000-07:00

So I saw Revenge of the Sith, and maybe I could get into this whole Star Wars-thing. I never really sat down and watched the originals, but I know the jist... Luke is the chosen one, gets his hand cut off, kisses his sister, trained by Yoda, etc etc... Leia and Hans fall in love, wears a skimpy bikini, has cute braids.... you know the drill. I really enjoyed RotS... great special effects, pretty good story....

Why would Yoda go into exhile though, just because he didn't kill the Emporer? There are lots of fights Yoda probably didn't flat out win... and isn't more of a Samauri thing than a Jedi thing to be so hard on yourself? Isn't he the one who goes on and on about not letting pain take over your life, and letting the past go? Yeah, sometimes it seems Yoda doesn't take his own advice.

Lastly, I really wish Samuel L. Jackson had told the rest of the Jedi about the Chancellor after Anakin told him... seriously, how hard would it have been to leave a post-it "Chancellor is the Sith, back in 5"? Lives he could have saved, I think.

Other than that, it was a good conclusion to the prequels. My boyfriend and I discussed which actors from the middle 3 would return for the final installments... I say Carrie Fisher is the most likely, since the rest of them are either dead or really old. If they want Harrison Ford, they better get into gear. I really don't want some new punk actor kid playing Hans Solo. In fact, if they can't get the originals, they really just shouldn't bother putting them in the story.

Why didn't Jar-Jar die? WHY?!?!

Celebrities to Celebrate

2005-05-12T22:25:00.000-07:00

It's probably better that I'm not famous. Truth is, I'd use every inch of my fame to spread messages for animal rights, and probably never get around to doing what it is that I'm famous for. I can see producers yelling at me, "Okay, Sleeps with Butterflies, we get that we must respect the apes! But will you do the damn scene already??"

There are a few celebs who manage to actually do their jobs and use their fame for animal rights. These are actors that, despite tabloid rumors and perhaps some poor judgements in fashion, I will always respect and support their work. Here they are,

SLEEPS WITH BUTTERFLIES' CELEBRITIES TO CELEBRATE

Pamela Anderson
Tobey Maguire
Alicia Silverstone
Joaquin Phoenix
Bob Barker
Shania Twain
Shakira
Pink
Mary Tyler Moore
Bill Maher
Kim Basinger
Moby
Magaret Cho
Casey Affleck (his brother could take a lesson or two...)
Roger Ebert
Julia Roberts
Alan Alda

This is by far not everyone. Tons of celebs are vegetarians and vegans, but that's a list way to long to calculate. These are guys who have openly spoken out for animals, who like to be seen as something more than a pretty face. I hope one day lists such as these are not needed, because everyone is on the same page: animals are not ours to use as we see fit.

Ice Priness and Stupid Girls

2005-05-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

I always thought that little girls, for the most part, have a great obstacle to overcome: being stupid. Not to say little boys aren't stupid, but the difference here is that little boys are encouraged in their stupidity, while little girls are just assumed to be stupid. This gives girls the one-time advantage. If they can figure out no one will stop them from not being stupid, then they can go conquer the world ambiguously. No one will see it coming until it's way to late.

But sometimes, every so often, this isn't the best plan. That's because some nitwit goes around screwing it up. In the example of "Ice Princess", that nitwit is Michelle Trachenburg. Now, I have a theory that Michelle Trachenburg, whose name I don't give a damn if I'm misspelling, is a plague against everything sacred in Hollywood. But since I don't consider "Ice Princess" to be a sacred icon, my theory does not apply in this case. However, evidence from this movie can support my overall thesis.

In "Ice Princess", Michelle's character Casey (who might as well be named Michelle, because really, other than the skating, there's no difference between them) is a physics genius. The audience is told, rather than shown, that such a gift was heavily nurtured by Casey's mother, an always-stellar Joan Cusack. She's a hard-core feminist who basically shares all the same world views that I do. Anyway, you get the impression that Casey could be the female Einstein (especially since in movie physics, Einstein is the only physist worth noting; in fact, sometimes I think Hollywood is actually completely unaware that the school of physics did not die with Einstein, but that's an arguegement for my boyfriend's blog). Casey is offered a physics scholarship in which she must persent a "personal" project. In fact, the word "personal" is so heavily emphasized that rather than a basic outline of the story, the whole rest of the movie appears magically in my head. This is one of the burdens of being a smarty-pants.

The movie being ruined for me was no great loss, since a) I wasn't at all excited about seeing it anyway, and b) I was only there for the children I was with, who loved it, and that's all that matters. But then I thought, maybe I made the wrong choice in taking this kids to this movie. Yes, it's rated G, and yes, the plotline is only mysterious to a 4-year-old, and yes, its all about achieving your dream and not letting people get to you, both good lessons for children, BUT the movie didn't take into account the exact child I had with me. S. K., a brilliant 8-year-old child of English professors, is the last person I want to see become a professional ice skater. The entire movie I was petrified that she'd waltz out of the theater with a twinkle in her eye and say, "Yes! THAT'S what I want to do with my life!" It's hard to say how things influence children. I was biting my nails like razors the whole movie, watching her out of the corner of my eye. This is a little girl who's read Shakespeare like Seuss, loves films like "Some Like it Hot", can name you at least 5 German revolutionaries who were killed for speaking out against Hitler during WWII, and other academic wonders. She was basically what I imagined the Casey character to be like when she was 8-years-old: on her way to being the female Einstein.

But kids surprise you, they really do. S.K. did not waltz out of that theater with a twinkle, but rather with a shrug, and said, "That was fun," and moved on. My guess is that she knew exactly what she just sat through: another sappy Disney flick with good intentions to teach good lessons, but with higher intentions to make lots of money. That's when I realized they're really aren't girls like Casey in the world. Smart girls like that might enjoy figure skating, and maybe even compete, but they'd never throw their Harvard scholarship down the drain (thanks Disney, by the way, for hinting that it's impossible to go to Harvard and being a figure skater, despite the dozens of artists and actors and athletes who have done so) in the way Casey did. Getting what you want requires sacrifices, true, but you should always try every non-sacrificial option before you go that route. I think real smart girls, like S.K., know that. Any girl who doesn't know that, will, she's deciding to take the stupid path, which is fine by me, because less girls in the Harvard classroom taking up space and time from S.K., the better.

On a last side note... RESPECT JOAN CUSACK. She's hella good.

Apathy in Spades and Trucks

2005-05-05T10:59:00.000-07:00

Everyone repeat after me..... "I'm Sorry."

Do it again...... good.

Will someone please explain to me why it is practically completely unacceptable by society to say these two words? I mean, how hard is it to admit you did something wrong to someone else? Yesterday an insane truck-driving lunatic almost killed my boyfriend by running him over on his bike. My boyfriend, who crazily thinks justice should be required in this world, followed the motorist into a parking lot and told the guy, "Hey, you almost killed me, please watch out next time" in which the trucker replied, "Hey, fuck you, get the fuck out of here before I get out of my truck and kick your ass." Seriously, can you say "anger management problems"? Jeez, the guy almost killed another person. I think you can tuck away your pride for two fucking seconds in this case. I mean, what would the guy have said if he really did kill my boyfriend? Would he really have stood over his body and said, "Good, fucking idiot didn't deserve to live anyway"? No, he would be freaked out. He'd have to live with that for the rest of his life. My boyfriend would make a point to haunt him from the grave. So seriously, why??

Of course I think I have the answer. I think people are really just incredibly self-centered, and they think that their puny, insignificant lives are really the only thing that matters in this world. People don't stop to think enough about how their actions affect others. I'm not asking for a moral crusade here or anything, but I've just known so many people who walk around, wistfully screwing others, without a second thought. But as soon as they get screwed... watch out!

It reminds me of my dear cousin J. J and I, along with other members of our family and some friends, were playing a game of spades. Completely for fun, no money, nothin at stake. And J decided to go and cheat. I was so pissed off at her. Who the hell cheats at spades, anyway? Everyone knows that game is mostly random chance and is the spawn of Satan as it is. Why bother cheating? Really, you'll just get a good hand the next go-around. Cheating at any card game that's not poker is just stupid. And even poker is marginally stupid, but at least that's understandable. If I had a chance for a million dollars, I can't say for sure I wouldn't cheat a little. But at least I'd feel bad about it. J just didn't care. Those are the people you should be worried about in life.... not the ones who cheat or drive recklessly, but the ones who don't care.
Apathy is the worst social disease.

On Rape

2005-05-03T08:25:00.000-07:00

Rape devalues women, but what people don't realize is that rape devalues people. The very thought that such a horrendous act, arguably more horrendous than murder, can be such a prevaliant concept in our culture is sickening. In my gender studies class yesterday I learned that rape-prone societies tend to have 3 common factors:

1. The god of the society is male
2. Aggression is part of masculinity
3. Women are devalued

As much as I whole-heartedly believe the devaluing of women is the #1 cause of rape, I also believe that men do not go unaffected. Unfortunately, due to the nature of our gender socialization, men have a huge responsibility, one that they don't necessarily bestow upon themselves. As children, boys are taught to be "tough", "outdoorsy", and "aggressive" (in this case, go for what you want and attempt to overcome challenges in your way). They're encouraged to join sports, study hard, and make the first, "confident" advance on a girl they like as they grow up. Arts, such as dance, are not strongly stressed, and in fact, most boys are discouraged from these types of activities. No wonder it's hard for a teenage boy and beyond to know how far is to far to go with a girl. So this is where I offer the Cardinal Rule of Attempting to have Sex with a Girl: if you are confused or have any doubt whatsoever, get the hell out of the situation.

Guys, you all have hands, for the most part. Although any kind of sex with a partner is usually far superior than masturbation, masturbation is far superior than being saddled with a rape charge. No matter what your personal beliefs are on the subject of rape, you're wrong. In a perfect world, women would be taught confidence and aggression as well as men, and would have the sense of strength to say, "Look buddy, I don't want to have sex with you, and if you try, and if you succeed, I will plop a rape charge on you so fast your head would spin, and I will make it my life goal to hunt you down if you hide, and I will cut off your penis and make you eat it if you give me any hassle whatsoever." But girls don't talk like that, because we're taught to be coy. Instead, we're supposed to say stupid shit like, "Oh, hehe, hi, how are you? Oh I'm good, hehe. Thank you, I'd love to have a drink. Hehe. Your place? Hmm I'm not sure... okay, let's go. I don't think this is a good idea, well, okay, good point, hehe." Does anyone understand any part of that last sentence? As I was writing it, I felt like I might as well have written "bsdfsd sdflkwdrw fsldkfwe" for all the sense it made. So, unfortuately for you, guys, it's up to you to make the adult decision in situations like that. My second-best advice to you is that if you get married and have daughters, teach them self-respect. My father did that, and hence here I am, writing this damn blog about it.

Don't ever think for a second that anyone wants to be raped. It's just not true. Rape is a sick, vicious act, and if it were up to me, rape offenders would get the death penalty. Women were not put here to be devalued and abused, we were put here to live our lives, just like men. Think for a second, men and women, how your life would be different if rape did not exist. Don't you like that picture better than the reality we exist in?

Hustle to see Kung-fu Hustle

2005-05-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

All movie reviews will be typed in this font and color.

I went to see Kung-fu Hustle yesterday with my boyfriend and father. Here's a brief history of my encounters with "Asian fighting movies". The first one I ever really paid any attention to was Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, arguably the best movie of its genre to date. I've seen countless Jackie Chan films, Jet Le joints (including his best, "Hero", and his worse, "The One") and grew up watching Sho-Gun movies with my grandma. In general, I hold only a passing interest in "Asian fighting movies" and watch them more for a glimpse of Ziyi Zhang than anything. But after yesterday's viewing, I've suddenly become obsessed with kung-fu.

This film, in essence, is a satire. It's not to be taken seriously. The general plotline involves a small group of highly-trained kung-fu masters who have taken to living in a small poverished apartment complex to escape the trials kung-fu life had brought them in the past. Unfortuantely, when a nim-wit who claims to be associated with the Axe Gang comes around and tries to mess things up, these masters are forced to come out of hiding and defend their territory. Probably what I liked the most about the movie was the humor, there were numerous silly jokes and references to previous kung-fu movies. Also women were not objectified in this film; if anything was, men were. The visual effects were stunning and not since Life Aquatic have I seen anything to match them.

Overall, this is not a brilliant piece of cinema, but it's memorable, endearing, and hilarious. If you love kung-fu ficks, take a stab at it, and if you're skeptical, definitely take a stab at it. But don't expect Oscar nods or an epic adventure; this is more like a weekend ramp with the masters.

On Monogamy

2005-04-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

Monogamy is an odd thing. Only 1% of all human societies practice it. Most societies practice polygamy, which is when a man can have more than one wife. This isn't to say that they always do, it's just allowed. Even when monogamy is the norm, such as in the Inuit society, sexual relationships beyond the marriage are sometimes acceptable. An Inuit man may allow his hunting partner full privledges of his wife (as long as she consents) if in a time in which he is away from his own wife. Amongst apes, gibbons are the main ones who pick life partners, but it is very often than they "cheat" when their partners aren't looking. In general, monogamy is a shaky thing. So why is it so important in American society?

Personally, I think it's one of the many ways in which our society controls women. Only recently have women been granted basic rights they should have had from the beginning, and the idea of "girl power" is easily dated to the mid-1990's. Even still, society has several in-grained ways of forcing women to fall into certain life patterns. For example, if a woman has sex with more than one partner say in like, 6 months, she's considered a slut, sometimes even a whore. But a man who has multiple partners gets the "stud" brand. Likewise, if a woman is not married by the time she's 30, people think there's something wrong with her, and often harass her constantly with questions about her love life. A single man at 30 is considered an eligable bachelor, especially if he has a good job. When a woman does get married, she is expected to wear white, even though everyone knows most brides these days aren't virgins. Any woman who decides to wear any other color is looked at questionably. My friend S. wore a pink and black dress to her wedding, and my sister's response was "What a freak". Then, after a woman is married, she is saddled with the job of taking care of the household and the children, while the man can pursue his career. Women with careers have it even worse, because if they ever sacrifice a part of their family life for their jobs, they are severely sanctioned by the society.

Lastly, if a man takes on an extra-marital affair, its called a "mistress", but there is no equal term for a woman. In fact, a cheating husband is much more acceptable to society than a cheating wife. And a wife leaving her family... forget it. If you don't believe me, just watch TV and the movies for a while. Almost every single father situation on television is because the wife died, or the wife really has full custody and the children are just visiting their dad. But any single mother situation always has a husband who "met someone else" or "put his career first", two things that aren't has heavily sanctioned as they should be.

Monogamy doesn't have anything to do with two people being commited to each other, it basically implies a woman being committed to several things, none of them being herself. That's why polygymy, or a woman with multiple husbands, is only represented in .1% of all societies. Isn't that interesting?

Who is the Half-Blood Prince?

2005-04-26T10:57:00.000-07:00

80 days and counting until the 6th adventure of Harry Potter comes out, and I, like several other fans, are in full-swing with speculation. The title refers to a "half-blood prince", which we understand at least half of. A half-blood is a person of partial muggle ancestory, and partial wizarding ancestory. Since "prince" is typically a masculine term, I'm assuming the character is male. Assuming that the character is not brand-new and has been mentioned in one of the 1-5 books, this gives over a dozen possibilities. I'm going to discuss my favorites.

My favorite is Draco Malfoy. Yes, yes, everyone thinks he's a pureblood. But what exactly do we know about Narcissa, Draco's mother? Basically, we know she's Sirius's cousin and niece or something like that to Tonks, which are both clues that she's from a pureblood family, but do not prove it. We also know that Lucius would never marry a half-blood, but who's to say he wouldn't accidently marry one, or otherwise accidently sleep with one? Basically, my theory boils down to this:

1) Narcissa is not Draco's real mother, and if this is true, so has to be one of the following:
a) Lucius had an accident with Draco's real mother (she wasn't a witch and he freaked)
b) Lucius married Narcissa, but had an affair, then convinced Narcissa to pretend Draco was her real son once he learned he was in fact a wizard
c) Draco's real mother died when he was very young (or else was killed by Voldemort) and so Lucius quickly married Narcissa and then put charms on everyone to forget about his first wife

OR

2. Lucius is not Draco's real father, and if this is true, so has to be one of the following:
a) He adopted Draco from another wizard (such as Voldemort, perhaps)
b) Draco is from Narcissa's previous marriage/involvement and Lucius has raised him as his own
c) Narissa was pregnant with Draco when she met Lucius but fooled him into thinking Draco was from their liasons

My favorite option is that Tom Riddle is really Draco's father. That would mean that both he and Harry have wizard fathers and mothers, but one of their parents would be a half-blood. In Draco's case, his dad, and in Harry's case, his mom. It is never said explicitely when Lucius and Narissa were married, so it is quite possible that she was Voldemort's "girlfriend", meant to conceive his son in case he died, but when he almost died, he asked Lucius, is number-one man, to raise the baby like his own. (Alternatively, Voldemort could have asked Snape, who turned down the offer, which would be another brick in the wall of why Dumbledore ends up trusting Snape).

This is just the kind of thing that J.K. Rowling would think of. Nothing is ever as it appears. I believe, if the half-blood prince is not a new character, that it's Draco Malfoy. I also think that Harry is the heir of Gryffindor, but I think that's pretty obvious to everyone.

The Reason for Reason

2005-04-24T20:37:00.000-07:00

What's the deal with reason? Why is it the hot thing to have in the animal kingdom? Is it something that if materialized, people would hoarde it away in bomb shelters? These are the the types of things a chimpanzee thinks.

You may ask me, how the heck do I know what a chimpanzee is thinking? The truth is, I don't. But I also have no clue what the person next to me is thinking, or if they even have the compacity to think at all. For that matter, how can I be sure the images and words flooding my head are thoughts as well? How do I really know what thinking really is?

The only answer to that question is trust. Everything in human relations boils down to the T-word. You don't know the person next to you is intelligent, you just have to trust that they are. We as human beings just trust each other to be honest. If you think about it, this is the most ridiculous thing in the world. Humans betray each other constantly. We lie, steal, cheat, hurt, and kill each other, sometimes for no reason at all but our own amusement. We thrive on violence. We wallow in pain. We hack down just about anything that stands in our way of survival, even if it's the thing we need to survive the most. The Earth has suffered ten thousand years of human destruction, every bad thing in existence can typically be traced back to us, and yet we're supposed to trust each other??

It makes no sense at all. But what makes sense even less is humans superiority complex. We think we're the best, and smartest, species on the planet, yet we pulverize rainforests for skyscrapers, gun down fellow classmates in self-loathing tyraids, shoot and snort and inject just about anything that will make us forget about the world for two seconds, and create stupid, mindless entertainment like Family Guy or reality TV. Do chimpanzees do this? Nope. Dolphins? Nope. Dogs? Nope. Why not? Isn't that what a rational, intelligent animal does? If so, then why all the fuss for reason if all it does is cause you to want to destroy yourself and your environment?

Don't get me wrong. I love my own species. I don't think humans are only capable of evil, I also see the depths of love and compassion expressed in my fellow homonines. But I don't have to just rely on humans for these things. Chimpanzee orphans have been known to bond together to create makeshift families. Dolphins have picked up drowning sailors with their noses and held them above water. Last December in Sri Lanka, a dog rescued an 8-year-old from dying in the Tsunami. And once, a python allowed a baby mouse to walk free, despite being hungry. None of these animals work fourty-hour workweeks or ignore their children. Yet they're supposed to be the inferior ones.

So what, humans can solve complex puzzles, cure diseases (most of which they also created), debate dead-horse issues, paint gorgeous landscapes, and sing at the top of their lungs. Who cares? I don't know about you, but art doesn't make me human. Intelligence doesn't either. What makes me human are my genes, simple as that. I could have been a giraffe. I could have been a spider. I could have been a Dodo bird. And if I had, I would have been just as satisfied, and just as grateful, just to be alive.

What's the deal with reason? I say, the deal is it's a reason to hold yourself above nature so you don't feel guilty about destroying it. And any species that uses that kind of logic really isn't very logical at all, now are they?